So proud to share a hometown with THIS hot mess

I came across this little tidbit of awesome-ness in the news yesterday. Then BFF Liz sent it to me in an article not only because it is just that random but because this incident occurred in the town that I had the pleasure of growing up in.

Feast your eyes upon the motorized bar stool

Some dumb ass super smart guy in my home town came up with this little contraption. Now, don't get me wrong....back in the day I really could have used this. It was a long walk from the bar that played 80s music on Thursday nights back to the sorority house on campus. Especially in the winter time. Since I tend to be a bit on the lazy side I think it would be pretty cool to pony up on one of these...pass all the other people headed to the bar and get the best table. At the end of the night I was usually super trashed mildly buzzed (the perks of having the bartender be your roommate) and here is where the problems would kick in.

See, my problem is not so much with the motorized bar stool as it is with the DUI he got for riding it up the street wasted. Yes, you read that correctly. He got a DUI. I'm a huge fan of NOT driving under the influence.

Let me give you some specifics. It can reach speeds up to about 38mph but he was only going about 20 when he WRECKED IT. When the officers reported to the scene and found Stupid McDumbass sitting with his crashed up barstool they handed him a citation for drunk driving. With a suspended license no less.

Believe it or not you can buy KITS to make these and they are not cheap....I found (thank you google) that these kits run from $700-$800. From the looks of it though, our hero made his using parts of a lawn mower. Way to be frugal during the recession.

The town that I grew up in has long been known to be a little on the hick side but it has come far in trying to break that image. It even has a SUPER Wal-Mart now. It is hard enough being a city in LICKING county without putting a target like this out in the news.

Yes, the town I grew up in may have come far but this guy just took us back a few notches into the white trash side of the scale.

Not Me Monday---for Stellan

I know a lot of you are skipping Not Me Monday since Stellan is so sick, but I wanted to still do it since so many of us are still thinking about him and praying for him. So, since this IS MckMama's blog carnival.....instead of posting her Not Me Monday button, I'm going to throw up THIS beautiful picture and remind everyone (as if you needed that) to pray for Stellan and the entire MckFamily

I did NOT spend a lot of time this weekend refreshing Twitter and my reader in hopes to see some good news about Stellan.

I did NOT want to cry for a baby I have never met each time MckMama's heart broke a little more with each status she put out there.

I did NOT go through Stellan's name gallery on MckMama's blog and show Joe all of the cool places where Stellan's name has been.

I did NOT smile thinking about all of the people this little baby has touched all before he was even a year old.

Happy Monday......hopefully next Monday we will all NOT be posting about how thrilled we are that Stellan is on the mend......

CRAZY.....Party of ONE.....your table is ready....

Seriously.....some of the random stuff that happens in my world makes me wonder if I'm not part of some Truman Show type experiment. Ran by geese. Let's rewind my morning about an hour.....*insert flashback music here*

I pulled my rocking fabulous crumb covered mini van into a parking spot at work. I grabbed my purse, my starbucks, my bag of plastic eggs and candy to give to my mom for the kids egg hunt, and the large kindergarten prep packet I need to look at, and opened my door.

And my panic alarm/horn goes off.

Well crap, I must have hit the button or something when I threw stuff in my purse. Put my stuff down, pulled my keys out and hit the little red button that makes it stop.

BEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEP

That is strange. Put my keys in the ignition, start the car.

BEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEP

ummmm.??

Random co worker walks by. Stares at me. I grin like an asshole and wave.

BEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEP

Call Joe. Everything stupid is his fault. He is aware of this yet for some reason he always gets annoyed when I get pissed at him for things that are beyond his control.

BEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEP

"hey honey....you hear that?"

"ummm, yes...."

"Isn't that AWESOME, I cant get it to turn off"

"Press the red button on your keys"

"THANK YOU Captain Obvious, I already tried that"

"try starting the car"

"Did that, do you think I'm stupid?"

"Don't get pissy with me, you called me to help you"

"Well I want you to FIX IT not tell me the easy stuff"

he laughs....."It is actually kind of funny"

"No it is not....people are staring at me when they walk by....SIGH Goodbye!!"

BEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEP

More random co-workers walk by. One suggests that I hit the red button on my keys.

Finally I somehow get it to stop. Must of been the combo of cussing and psychotic button pushing. I open the door......

BEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEP

This time I get out, shut the door and just stare at my car in bewilderment. The security guard pulls up next to me. The same guy who laughed at me during the goose attack of 08.

"Cant get it to turn off. I don't know what is wrong with it"

"Did you push the red button on your keys"

"Sure did" if one more person asks me this I will stab them with my keys"

Try all the same things as above and somehow it stops again. I look around.....somewhere is a goose with a spare set of my keys laughing....I know it. Whew, okay....ready to go inside.....and my purse is in the car.

Guess what.

BEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEP

I could not make this shit up if I tried.

Finally again get it to stop. By now I have had the security guard looking for the fuse to yank it out. It is important to note that I had a hitch installed on my van yesterday for the pop up we bought. The only thing I can think is that the good peeps at U-Haul somehow crossed some wires or something. I hate them.

I fear leaving for lunch. How early is too early for xanax?

Guest Blogger Today!

Hello all! I was contacted by a new author a few weeks back asking if she could guest blog on GirlsWithBooks and of course I said YES and that I would love to have her HERE too! She also gave me the opportunity to read her book The Truth Lies In the Dark which I loved! You can read my review of it over on the book site but here is a guest blog from Kristin Callender!

Hi readers and fans of Girls With Books. I am happy to be here and want to thank Cammie and Kelly for having me as a guest. I love that you make reading sexy. In fact, it inspired me to make writing sexy, so I am wearing my bikini to write this ;) Brrr...and it is not quite a beach day here (24 degrees). I am Kristin Callender, author of The Truth Lies in the Dark. Please, sit down, grab a cup of coffee (or whatever your drink of choice is) and enjoy some girl talk.

I am asked all the time how I find time to write. Anyone that knows me knows that I am a full time mom of four kids, wife of one big kid :) and a part time substitute teacher (and not really wearing a bikini). My answer is usually, I don't find time; I make it. But I will let out a little secret here, just between us girls ;)...

It is not that hard to find or make time for something you enjoy. It is my escape from real life, which is why I love reading books also. Not to say that real life is all that bad, but it's real and if your lucky most days go by without much drama. You drive the kids here and pick them up there, figure out what's for dinner, throw in some laundry so you don't have to wear those same jeans again tomorrow, and so your kids don't steal your socks again, look at that pile of dishes in the sink and wonder where that dish fairy has been. You know what I'm saying; that kind of real life.

When I am writing I get to create the characters and place them in a story and see what happens. I can put them in dangerous situations or romantic embraces, basically I can control how much or how little drama they encounter. And unlike my real life creations, when my characters are not behaving the way I want them to I can turn off the computer and walk away. Try that with a temper throwing child who is starving for a cookie before dinner.

As much as I enjoy writing, I am amazed how much I didn't know about the whole publishing process. I thought that writing a book was the hard part. Then I had to find out how to get a publisher. It took a lot of research and a lot of rejections before I finally got my contract with BlueWater Press (Thanks Joe and Ardis!). Then it took another eighteen months to see my book in print. Now I am in the marketing and promotion part, and looking back I have to say that each step was equally challenging.

Thankfully there are also rewards along the way. I wrote a book and got it published, and to make it even better, my son, Michael designed the cover. Friends of ours said that his painting of New York City at night would make a great cover. So I took some pictures of it and submitted them to my editor and he agreed. Most moms get to show off their kids artwork on the refrigerator, I get to hold up my book. He is a talented artist and I am so proud to share this accomplishment with him.

Thanks again for stopping by Girls With Books. I hope that I have inspired other busy moms and non moms to make the time to do something you enjoy. If you want more information about me, the book, or my Book Blog Tour you can go my website. http://sites.google.com/site/kristincallenderbooks

The Truth Lies in the Dark by Kristin Callender is available on www.amazon.com/Truth-Lies-Dark-Kristin-Callender/dp/1604520140 and is the 'Featured Book of the Month' on www.bluewaterpress.com .

(almost) Wordless Wednesday

Click Here and pray for Stellan

yet another product that women should not have to live without

I meant to actually include this fabulous find in with my reusable feminine products, but I got so carried away that I forgot. That is okay, because truly it deserves it's own recognition. Are you ready?

May I introduce you to the pStyle. (yes, that is what it is really called)

This ladies is a dream come true.....the answer to our prayers. Come on now be honest.....how many of you have found yourselves wishing that you could pee standing up? Well now you can!!

The pStyle allows you the freedom that those darn men have always had....pee anywhere, anytime!! All you have to do is place the pStyle between your legs and go! Imagine the possibilities!!

Some things you need to know before using the pStyle. The wide end goes in the back. That way you can use it to "wipe" by gently dragging the plastic device along your hoo-ha to catch the lingering drips. Something to note....the pStyle people would like to remind you that while urine IS sterile it is probably a good idea to cleanse it before sharing with your friends.

Sharing with your friends? A possibility I never even THOUGHT of. Melissa, remember in that bar in Philly when there were SO many people in our way to the potty that we had to hold hands so as not to lose each other? Had we had the pStyle with us, we could have taken turns using in and just peed in a corner somewhere....no one would have noticed.

The pStyle is WAY portable. In fact here are some suggestions as to how you can carry it.

-in your pocket. Because no one would EVER notice a large green contraption that resembles a very big won ton soup spoon sticking out of your pocket.

-In your glove box. So the next time you get pulled over you can WOW the cop with your pStyle when handing over your registration.

-In your fanny pack......if you are THAT cool.

-In your purse....next to your pretty reusable menstrual pads.

-In your sock. THAT sounds comfortable.

Some places that I personally would use a pStyle.....

-In the car whilst driving (had to throw use of the word "whilst" in there for my girl Amy.) The thought of driving and just whipping out my pStyle to pee instead of pulling over makes me almost need one RIGHT NOW.

-At work. I am SO dedicated that instead of taking a potty break, I just just pee at my desk.

-At home in bed. All you need is a cup or bucket and you are good to go. How much nicer would it be just to roll over and grab your pStyle AND a cup and pee over the side of the bed instead of getting OUT of said bed to go to the bathroom.

-At the park. I can think of no better way to bond with my son than to pee on a tree together. Don't get me started with Mallory....I don't think she is ready for the pStyle....she is just now accepting that the potty will not swallow her....

-Any public facility....why squat over those yucky mall bathrooms when you can use your pStyle and pee standing UP.

-In the snow. So I can write my name.

One final bit of advice. Don't get too confident in using your pStyle. Yes, I know that it seems super easy but one wrong placement of the pStyle and you will piss on yourself. Thus defeating the purpose of "convenience"

Wordless Wednesday

I'm a hottie

But than, you all knew that right? This is a new award for The House of No Sleep. My fabulous friend Serena has bestowed upon me The Hottie Award!

If you do not know Serena you MUST check her out....she is brutally honest, no filter having rockstar....in other words she is my twin. Serena thinks I'm hot....she is wicked smart!

I have to pass this on to EIGHT people--so come n get em ladies

Nicole-- My darling. I'm so excited to see you next month

Dawn You know I think you are a hottie

Kami her name is the same as mine....enough said

Erica her pictures make me smile!

Kat I know you gave me an award last week and I did not pass it out, I suck...but YOU are a hottie so here you go!!

Tooj she makes me smile....therefor she is hot

AmyC I love you so much girl--let's make out next time I see you!

Domestically Disabled Girl- I don't even know your name but you are still hot--wow I have not said THAT since collage.......

Things That Chap Me Arse

Since it IS St Patty's day I went with the Irish titled version of "Little Pet Peeves Tuesday" hosted by the lovely Melissa over at Mama-Loco. Since Melissa is one of my real life besties I suppose I had better respond to her gentle request on her blog that I participate in her Tuesday game. Please note that I am typing this list of TOTAL randomness in my head in the voice of Desmond from lost (brotha) in keeping with my Irish theme.

First off.....MAN is it annoying when someone shouts you out on their blog and pressures you into coming up with things that piss you off. I am SUUUUUCH a happy person (thank you meds) that actually being forced to go into a dark place and make myself angry....on purpose....pisses me off. mmmmmmmWAH.

My dryer. You know, the one in my house. It is really on my list these days. It keeps shrinking my clothes. damn dryer

People who begin speaking the SECOND I pick up the phone at work without first offering me a hello, their name, screw you, nothing.

The chick at daycare who always sound like a 5 year old tattle tale when I pick up my kid. I have not seen him for 8 hours....don't greet me with "Pierce had trouble listening at circle time today" Trust me, I know he is not an angel, I'm his mother. Let me hug him and THEN tell me if he has been a pain in the arse.

Target. Yep, the store. These past few days I have been searching in vain for 90210 Season 3 on DVD (the original 90210). Season 3 is by FAR the best what with the whole Brenda/Dylan/Kelly drama. I'm almost finished with season 2 and every Target I have been to (BOTH OF THEM) is sold out of season 3. I had to ORDER it on Amazon and pay shipping. You would think the people who control such things would know that since season 3 is the BEST it is imperative that there be PLENTY on their shelves. Pay attention Target....don't make me switch to Wal-Mart

That's really all I got...If you want to play along with Melissa and have a great vent session go check her out. I will try and do a better job of paying attention to things that piss me off this week.....but like I said....I'm full of sunshine and roses allllll the time. Takes a lot to rattle my chains......

Respect your periods

**let me preface this post by saying if you are a fan of this type of product more power to you, I salute you....thank you for doing YOUR part.....please take no offense.....I'm sure I know someone who uses these, probably one of my crunchy cloth diaper mama friends (kidding)*

Considering that 99.9% of my followers are women I feel the need to tell that 1% that you may want to RUN away from this post.....hell, I am the one writing it and I want to run away from it.

Ladies.....we are going to talk about re-usable products for your period. Yes, re-usable.

Exhibit A

How pretty. Some even have ric rac. These lovely pads come in a variety of patterns in different sizes for our different needs in the......um....flow department. Ladies, what could be more fun each month than choosing which pretty patterned pad you are going to bleed on? Just like a regular pad it will need to be changed and this is where the REAL fun begins. Instead of tossing your pad into the garbage you get to toss it into your handy carrying pouch so that you can put it in your purse to take it home and wash it. Yes that's right....you need to put your USED pad into your purse and continue to carry with you wherever you may be.

With re-usable pads not only do you have to wash your clothes, your husbands clothes, and your kids clothes but you also get to WASH YOUR PADS!!! Let's hear it for more laundry!! However unlike regular laundry apparently washing your period away is enlightening!

“As I rinse my pads, I think, I am releasing all the old energy from the past month and making way for the new. I like being more aware and in touch with my cycle and with what is actually happening in my body.”

Yes girls, we need to STOP thinking about our periods as a monthly hassle and start EMBRACING the energy that "flows" from us. What with the cramps, fatigue, bloating and PMS what else could it be described as other than energy?

For those of us who are more in favor of the tampon....I give you the Diva Cup

Why on earth would we continue to put millions of feminine products into landfills each year when we could simply fold this little contraption in half, shove it up your hoo ha and in 6 hours pull it back out and pour the contents into the toilet? Again....nice little pouch to carry it in your Kate Spade bag when not in use.....And to clean it??

Diva Wash.....I mistakenly took this as something for our extra skanky days but no....this is a hypoallergenic soap for your DivaCup washing needs.

Fear not, it cannot get lost....even if you are extra skanky you can always find it by "bearing down" to move it into place to grab and pull it out. Take care not to spill it all over yourself or the floor if you are a clutz....we would not want to appear as though we have committed a murder. Any virgins out there? (on MY blog...HA) You will not lose your virginity to this product.....though it is recommended that if you are attachedto your hymen you may want to wait until after you have had sex. (I swear I am not making this crap up)

I encourage you all to stop thinking of your monthly cycle as a pain (haha) and instead giving it the respect that it deserves! Don't THROW away your pads....how disrespectful to the reproductive cycle not to mention the landfills!

Save money....save the environment.....win win.......

Yo Gabba Gabba.....reason #421 why I drink

For those of you out there that may not have the JOY that is Yo Gabba Gabba in your life......let me ruin that for you now.

Now that I have burned your retinas let me tell you all about this train wreck. This boys and girls is Yo Gabba Gabba.

Every day D.J Lance (the freak show in the skin tight orange jumpsuit) brings his little friends in their radio case to play. He pulls them out and they come alive to teach all the children about eating healthy, being nice to others and how to be safe. Seems innocent right? Well, I am a firm believer that if you slowed the dialog down or even played it backwards that they would be telling the children to do drugs and put the cat in the microwave. They are just THAT freaky.

Let me introduce them.

On the far left we have Muno. He is the one that looks kind of like a sex toy with arms. He tends to act like an asshole and needs to learn manners from the others.

Next to him is Fufa. Like FUPA with an F. And if you don't know what FUPA stands for I am not going to tell you. She is so happy and cheerful that I want to kick her in the face.

Plex is the yellow robot and is the only one that I DON'T want to kick in the face actually.

Broby is the "little green one". He seems to always be the one that needs some sort of guidance

Finally we have Tootie "She likes to have fun" oooooookay.

Throw in a random music act for the super music friend show, Biz Markee who teaches my children how to beat box, and a random C list celebrity to show them a "dancy dance" and you have Yo Gabba Gabba

I remember the day that the Gabba's came into our life. As I stared in horror my children were mesmerized by what could only be described as the Teletubbies on crack. Broby (the green one...are you paying attention?) only ate the pancakes and bacon off of his plate (which we got to see singing and dancing in Broby's stomach) and left behind the fresh fruit....what happened next I have tried to block from my memory but I just cant--folks the fresh fruit CRIED because they were left behind and did not get to go to "the party in the tummy"

While Pierce and Mallory watched I sat in terror because I knew....I just KNEW that they were to become permanent fixtures in our life. This was at least a year ago. I have 18 episodes in my DVR because you just never know which one Mallory will want to be watching that day.

I long for the days of Blue's Clues and Dora........Yo Gabba Gabba makes me want to cut myself.

Because I have nothing else today.....

I stole this from TheBookKitten

1.. You are walking down the road and you look down. There is a bug. Do you step on it? It depends on how big it is and what kind of shoes I have on.....

2. What is one fantasy that you want to come true more than any other? "And in New Moon, the role of Bella Swan will be played by.......CAMMIE

3. Someone knocks on your door. Do you look out the window to see who it is before you open it? Do you open it regardless of who it is? No, I open it right away....wearing nothing but my snuggie(can you tell I thought this question was dumb?)

4. Have you ever eaten Play Doh? Yes, it goes great with Pinot Grigio....something about the salt....

5. What was your favorite Saturday morning cartoon as a child and why? Tom and Jerry.....which my kids are now into and it makes me smile

6. Are you a "people watcher"? I prefer to call it plotting but whatever.

7. I have a bowl of fruit. There are apples, oranges & pears. You help yourself to one - which one do you choose? probably a pear

8. What is your biggest pet peeve in the blogging world? People who make up BS stories that are not true to get attention Melissa..... you know who I am talking about.

9. What is one religion that you could just never see yourself joining? Scientology.....sorry Tom Cruise....I love me some zoloft

10. What word do you use far too often? Sadly I am a fan of the eff bomb (not in front of my kids) it is so versatile....it can be a verb, a noun, an exclamation of pain....the possibilities are endless.....

11. How long do you spend in the shower? .2 seconds. which is .1 second less than the amount of time before my kids kill each other or a pet.

12. If you were to write a personal ad about yourself, what would it say? If you like pina colada's....getting caught in the rain.....

13. Your favorite flavor of soup is....? New England Clam Chowder

14. You are sitting on a bench in the park and a bug walks in front of your feet.... do you squash him? ummmm, refer to #1

And the winner is........

whew. I seriously think I may have gotten carpal tunnel from all of the give-a-way entering yesterday!! Now I'm just going to kick back and wait for people to tell me I won their prize. waiting. waiting. ummmm.

Okay, so MY give-a-way......I used Random.Org to generate a number and it gave me the number 9and sooooo the winner is Shalee from Sometimes It's Good To Be Speechless. I know that she would probably prefer Edward Cullen (who yes, for those who asked is the uber hot vampire from the Twilight series....man I love him.....) but I just can't seem to get him to leave. Probably because I have him tied to my bed. oops.....did I type that? So Ariel movie it is! Yeah Shalee!!

Thanks for everyone who came by to play! I scored some new followers (Holy crap over 100!!) and I hope you stick around for the fun! When Im not giving away movies (which is every OTHER post on my blog but this one) I'm usually making fun of my kids, husband and my life in general!

And now back to waiting for those prizes to roll in.......waiting...........

Spring Fling Give-a-Way!!!!

I know most of you come from TheSecretIsInTheSauce but if not please go check it out HERE. It is Spring Fling over at SITS and I figure since I have been feverishly entering give-a-ways all morning I should probably do one myself.

I'm not going to make you follow me, tweet me, give me your first born child or anything like that. Although if you want to follow me.....you are more than welcome (I AM pretty cool) if you want to tweet me (you dirty girl) I'm at Cammie1975 and I will pass on your first born because quite frankly....I have my hands full with the 2 I have.

So, here is what I have to give-a-way

Edward Cullen

or

The Little Mermaid-Ariel's Beginning....still all new and packaged. I have seen this movie and it is pretty cute....especially if you or the kiddos are fans of all things Disney like we are.

So, all you have to do to enter is leave me a comment.....tell me which you would rather win, and tell me your favorite Disney movie. If you are selected by Random.Org I will send you the movie........

Happy Contest Entering!

Not Me Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Since I forgot to write everything down this past week I am NOT going to be pulling stuff out of thin air.

The most important thing that did NOT happen this past week......I did NOT spend all day Thursday in a foul mood because BFF NYKelly was in here in Ohio for a meeting and would be unable to get together due to time constraints. Then when she called with about one hour of free time I did NOT fly out of work like the building was on fire to go meet her at the Airport to have a quick drink with her compliments of her (hot) boss. If that had happened it would have been the highlight of my week because I heart her big time.

Friday night was NOT spent at a Mexican restaurant with my work BFFs consuming margaritas and chips and salsa. We did NOT have conversations of an R rated nature in a family restaurant...I wont name names but there was NOT homework of a dirty nature assigned which apparently was rated A+ the next day.

We also did NOT buy a pop up camper this weekend. If we had, I know that this may come to a surprise to some of you because what kind of high maintenance girl goes camping? I am NOT super excited about this.....my kids are NOT going to love it at all.....If we HAD bought a pop up camper it would be because this high maintenance girl actually LOVES to camp. As long as it is not in a tent.

I was NOT super excited to ship Joe off to play poker one night this weekend. I love spending every waking breathing moment with my husband and I did NOT have a hard time deciding if I should rent a movie or catch up on Desperate Housewives....in the end I did NOT do both.

Yesterday when Mallory and I laid down to take a nap at 12:30 we did NOT sleep until 4:00. Oops. I imagine that if we had taken a 3.5 hour nap that would have resulted in Mallory being awake and ready to party like a rock star until 3AM this morning. In my bed. If that had happened then I would be one super cranky tired mommy this morning who was also NOT late to work because she had some motivational issues.

Happy Monday. I'm NOT about to fall asleep at my desk.

I interrupt your blogging for this very important message....

Holy Hell!!!!!

You may now return to your regularly scheduled blogging. Please see below for my actual blog post for today. I have to go now....I need to be alone.

The Art of Selective Hearing.

It never fails to amaze me how husbands (and I'm using the plural here because I know MINE is not the only one) have this neat-o capability to only hear what they want to hear. Can you imagine a life where the ONLY things that make it to your ears are things you WANT to hear? Meanwhile all those baaaaaad things that us wives say such as "hey honey I'm going shopping today" come out like a teacher at Charlie Brown's school is speaking?

What a defense mechanism to have your mind automatically filter out the unfortunate things such as "I would like to go scrap booking today" or "Hey can you wipe the dogs butt?" and only hear things like "Do you want me to cook dinner wearing nothing but an apron?" ***

Let's take this example. Last weekend Joe mentioned to me that he was invited to play poker with some friends of ours this coming Saturday. Excellent.....please go because I was actually hoping to do drinks dinner with my girlfriends from work on Friday. Sounds like a plan.

Fast forward to last night when I reminded him of my plans for today. Blank stare.

Really? You can bet your ass that if I had said "Hey honey, next weekend I'm inviting Angelina Jolie over for a threesome " he would not have forgotten. In fact I could have said "Honey I'm inviting Angelina Jolie over for a threesome on May 7th 2015" and he would have the date memorized.

What part of the male brain censors words like "shopping"? It is truly fascinating. It must be the same part of the FEMALE brain that censors words such as "laundry" and "shave your legs"

Perhaps we need to find some sort of way to associate the things we WANT them to remember with something happy for them like golf. Such as when I let my husband know that there is something that I want to do I also smack him over the head with a driver. That way when he thinks of golf (happy things) he remembers that I too have plans.

win/win right?

***These words would never actually BE uttered in my house. I don't do aprons. Or cook

PS----I have this FABULOUS friend named Amy. I heart her in the big puffy heart way. She just released her sarcasm to the public for your reading pleasure...she is evil in a Cammie sort of way....which of course is why I heart her. HERE is her blog. She kicks ass.

I did not win the lotto

This is a sad day. This was the day that I was supposed to win the lotto. However my plans have since been thwarted by some asshole in New Jersey. Jealous? Moi?

Yes

See the thing is.....I'm not greedy about it. I would have been willing to SHARE those millions (evident in the fact that I was in on a pool of 97 people here in my office). I would have gladly accepted just ONE of those millions. Heck I would have taken $500,000. Okay, seriously....I would have taken $50,000

I am not under the impression that money buys happiness. Not at all. What money does buy is shoes, purses, a mac Book, makeup, and new wardrobes for myself and my family. THAT buys happiness.

Sure all those millions could buy a kick ass house but unless it came with a kick ass maid and a pool boy that looked like Edward Cullen I really would not be interested anyways.

Really though....I would have been happy just winning enough to pay off my house, cars and that damn student loan that has lingered longer than my knowledge from said degree did.

So screw you personinNewJerseywhowonmymillions. Way to crush my dreams. I suppose I will have to continue to live with my husband/soul mate who I adore and the 2 best kids in the world in a house that does NOT have a wine cellar.....without my macBook. Or pool boy.

sigh

An Oldie But Goodie.....

I was remembering this craptastic night the other day for some reason and went digging through the archives of the kids site to find it. It never fails that whenever Joe goes out of town, my life is going to suck until he returns. never. fails. This is a first class example.....from June 26th, 2008

So last night ranked pretty high up on the "really crappy parenting nights" list. First off, last night was Joe's last night out of town for work. We saved up ALL the drama for this last night. Around 1130 I woke up and thought I heard our home alarm going off. Turns out it was the tornado sirens (I guess this IS better then home invasion). Pierce comes flying into my room literally shaking he is so scared. There is nothing going on outside so I'm not really sure at this point why the sirens are going off so I turn the TV on. Oh. THAT is why they are going off. The entire county is all sorts of shades of red, pink, purple on the radar. The excitement on the faces of my local weathermen (really? both of them are in?) lead me to believe things were about to get really crappy.

By now Mallory is also awake but so far no drama. I told Pierce I was going to run downstairs really quickly and get a flashlight on the off chance our power goes out and I will be right back. 30 seconds later with 2 kids stuck up my butt I get downstairs and can't find one. Call Joe, scream about lack of flashlights in frustrations (yes, everything IS his fault when he is out of town) find a flashlight, head back upstairs. By now the storms are starting to roll in and with it Mallory's panic attack. I know that I tend to be dramatic but I kid you not when I say she screamed, and shook, and got all sweaty for the next 3 hours non stop. It. Was. Awful. She would start to fall asleep (still moaning) and then those damn sirens would kick up again (yes, they kept going off thanks to the lightning, super) and she would start all over. Pierce told her at one point to be quiet because he was trying to watch the weather.

Joe called about an hour in "sorry honey, can't talk, cant hear you over screaming" We probably should have been in the basement but since our (chipper) weathermen said there was not *really* a tornado but more like the chance of one I decided to take my chances upstairs. You can mail my "mother of the year award" anytime.

3 hours later things settle down and we fall asleep (sort of, kids on top of me all sweaty, Mallory still shaking). I wake up at 7...coincidentally the same time I am due to be at work, call to say I will be late, and take 2 super cranky sleep deprived children to school. Upon leaving my house this morning a spider that had to have been missing from our local zoo ran across my garage floor scaring the crap out of both me and pierce…….he is hiding under my van (the spider, not pierce) and I'm wearing flip flops. Fun to watch me put kids in the car seat knowing that he was there. Waiting.

While leaving daycare I can hear Mallory screaming for me all way down the hall and out the door. Head right to Tim Horton's for coffee, call my mom only to hear that she "slept through it all" (thanks mom) and get to work where I sit now trying very hard to stay awake.

Joe comes home tonight and I will be going directly to bed

Ahhhh. That was a really really shitty night. I'm hoping that Mallory's fear of thunder storms is over now that spring is coming.