The Ultimate **** Blocker

Yeah, I can't so much use that word in the title of my blog post....but the story has to be told. The story of how a 10lb dog is the ultimate cock blocker

I have mentioned Scarlet before here. Told you how she is my first baby, how I've had her longer than I've had Joe. Well, he seems to forget that she tends to be a tad on the possessive side....and I don't mean of me.

Scarlet respects sleep as much as I do. Maybe even more though I don't see how that is possible. She spends most of the day sleeping in my basket of laundry....be it clean or dirty. Of course at night she sleeps with us. Has been in my bed for 13 years and let's face it.....that is the longest ANYONE has been in my bed.

The point of all of this is what occured on Saturday morning. My kids actually slept until 7 on Saturday. This is like a once every 6 month occurrence. Even better was that when the did get up they were receptive to the idea of putting a movie on in Pierce's room allowing us just a little more time to sleep in. Riddle me this.....what part of SLEEP IN means slide over and try to make out with me? Before I've even really opened my eyes. You know, that subtle pressing against you that is REALLY FREAKING ANNOYING??

Fast forward a few minutes. I still have not killed Joe.... and he this he assumes is the green light to get even friskier when really it just means I'm too lazy to even yell at him. Ahhhh, but the force field is in the way. And she is not ready to wake up yet and she is no where NEAR ready to be asked to move to the foot of the bed. Scarlet is all curled up between us and has no immediate plans to move.

Joe asks nicely...patting at the foot of the bed. She looks at him in disgust and closes her eyes again. He tries to play master and a little firmer tells her to move. She growls at him. He then decides to play with fire and pick her up. And almost loses a finger. Yeah, she snapped at him pretty good and I giggled while he muttered something about her being a cock blocker.

The end of this story did not turn out the way Joe had hoped. The moral? Extra sleep in time does NOT mean we are having the sexy time. It means I am going back to sleep and maybe if you are lucky you will get some later that night.

Maybe

My Parenting Skillllzzzzz

I know that it may be a hard concept to stomach but I truly am deserving of an award for Mother of the Year. At the very least a nomination.

Just a few of the tools that I use in raising my children…..

Negotiation -Children cannot truly develop without learning the art of negotiation. It is important in their adult life so they may as well learn it at an early age. Who’s to say that M&Ms for crapping the potty cannot someday translate to $$ for the crap you will produce in your career?

Learning to respect authority: For instance the following conversation with Pierce
"Why do you always get to tell me what to do"
"Because I'm the boss"
"Who do I get to be the boss of?"
"sorry bud, you don't get to be the boss of anyone"
"Can I be the boss of Mallory?"
"No" "Can I be the boss of the dogs?"
"No bud, Scarlet bites remember....she is the boss"
"Well, I cannot wait until I grow up so I can be the boss of myself"

The Art of persuasion—Mallory is WAY better at this then her brother—one day as we were on the couch with her up my ass snuggling….
"I want my milk"

"It's right there, go get it"

"I want Pierce to get it" (I wan Piewce did it)

"Pierce is not going to go get it Mallory, it is RIGHT there, get it yourself"

"I want Pierce to get it"

"No"

And then…..Pierce all exasperated gets up, sighs very loudly walks over to get the milk, shoves it in her direction and says "HERE Mallory" and sits back down. To which Mallory says..."thank you Pierce" (tank you Piewce")

Family togetherness.-There is more bed hopping in my house then in a brothel. Most nights Mallory is in bed with us by midnight because quite frankly….I'm a bitch if I don’t get enough sleep and I don’t have the energy to fight with her in the middle of the night. However, because I am getting to the point where I am over this…..her new big girl bed MIGHT have to come with straps

These are just a few things that I practice daily with my children. After all, they ARE the future of our world.

PS----if you need a kozy pal cart cover.....and trust me you DO then click HERE. She is having a 50% off sale just today!!!! Im getting ready to order one for a gift today with my gift certificate I won last month! Makes a great gift!! I never went anywhere with mine without getting asked about it.

Tag, Im it! Things that mad me MAD

I have been tagged by Mrs Och for a "10 Things that piss me off" meme. FUN. I enjoy complaining from time to time so this will be therapeutic

1)Winter. Yep, the whole darn season. I could not just pick one aspect of it because there are soooo many to choose from. Icy driveways, dirty slushy roads, the feeling of the inside of your nose freezing when you breath....and my favorite....big ass hunks of ice flying off of semi trucks that you never know if and when they will hit you. Yep, Winter pisses me off.

2)Dieting. I know that SOME people try and tell me that it is "not a diet, it is a lifestyle" Bite me. I hate dieting. I don't WANT a Lean Cuisine meal I want Chipolte. mmmmm, Chipolte......

3)I mentioned this in a post of mine waaaaay back at the beginning of my blog but I am bringing it up again because it really grates on my nerves. People who laugh for NO REASON AT ALL. Like they are nervous about something. I said it then and I will say it now....what are are you so nervous about? Do you have a dead body in your car?

4)Having some of my bestest friends EVER live in dumb places like Texas, New York and New Jersey. Now before you get your panties all in bunches take note....I really don't think these places are dumb at all.....I'm just bitter that I don't get to see these girls without spending money to get there. That said TOMORROW I fly out to play.....Wonder if I will have my very first "blunk" session while I am there? (blogging while drunk....get it) Wow....I just got off track....

5)When my husband answers a question I ask him with the word (if you can call it that) "eh" This gets on my nerves SO badly and he knows it. From here on out I am going to interpret "eh" to be the answer that I WANT. So if you don't want me to go shopping say "NO" not "eh" because "eh" means that I am bringing home like 8 pairs of shoes.

6)People who hurt their children. I had such a hard time with this yesterday and I don't want to get into thinking about it again but let me just say.....I hope these people get hit by the karma bus big time.......I try to "hate the sin and not the sinner" as I have been told but I want to dig the eyes out of anyone who hurts their own babies.....with a fork. I am not a violent person but this realllllllllly pushes me towards the edge of it

7)Parts of the "system" This is a new one right now because of a family member. Parts of the system that say you can't have a restraining order against someone unless there is "enough" incidences to warrant one. So what.....??? Call back after he assaults her? mmmmkay.

8)Whining. not to be excused with WINING which would be on my "list of things that make me happy" The ability of a child to stretch a one syllable word into a 5 syllable word is like nails on a chalkboard to me.

9)My Dryer. My dryer is out to get me. Not only is it notorious for eating socks as most dryers are but mine shrinks my clothes. All the time. Sometimes more then once.....the dryer shrinks them.....yep.....that is my story......damn dryer

10)Lastly....BARKING. This is a problem. I have 2 very small yappy dogs. I want to put a shock collar on them. The things they bark at include but are certainly not limited to
-cats
-kids
-toys that make noise
-anything living that has the audacity to step into our yard
-the act of standing up....yes, sometimes when I stand up to walk into another room the littlest yappy dog FLIPS OUT. Like he thinks he has to protect me from the unknown.
-each other. One cannot bark alone.

I'm not tagging because I think we could ALL use this therapy session and if you want it....you may have it!

Respect Sleep

I have a secret to share. Okay, maybe not so much a secret as a confession. My favorite thing to do....it's not read, or scrapbook....it's not drinking wine or ever better scrapdrinking (do I need to define that?). No, none of these are my favorite pass time, although those are up there on the things I like list. My favorite hobby is sleeping. Yep. Sleeping. Do you see the irony in this as I do live in the House of No Sleep? Years ago....BK (before kids) I used to sleep like I was going for the gold medal in the sleeping Olympics. BK I used to sleep till at least 10-12 on days that I did not have to work. On weekdays I would come home and catch a quick cat nap on the couch. When I lived alone in my post college-pre Joe apartment I actually had a navy blue blanket nailed to my window so that I could sleep into the afternoon without knowing it was light outside. When Joe and I moved in together it would drive me crazy that for no reason whatsoever other then to annoy the hell out of me he would be up and ready to take on the word at 7AM on the weekends. Bugging me to go run errands with him. Pointing out to me how much we could get done before noon. AK (duh) I have even more respect for sleep then I did BK. To this day my son does not have much use for sleep. He did not sleep through the night until he was 18 months old. 18 long months of getting up with him in the middle of the night. For some reason the "ready to take on the world at 7am" man I married disappeared. He started to barter with me for Sleep in Days instead of being up and making coffee at 7am. I tried to tell him that it was WAY to late to start to respect sleep this late in the game....such a change in sleeping habits was just unacceptable to me. 2.5 years later along came another small person who did not respect sleep. She STILL does not sleep through the night. The only difference is her parents are so lazy that instead of fighting the battle (which she would indeed win) we just throw her in bed with us. Long gone are the days where sleeping in meant 10am....now sleeping in is 8am and we trade off days on the weekend. These past 3 days for some reason my kids slept till 730 and Joe and I thought we had died and gone to heaven. People let me tell you it is HARD to entertain your kids all day when all days starts most days at 5am. A friend asked me once if I was really playing with play-dough at 8am on a Sunday and I was like hell yes I am, we have already watched all the kid shows on the DVR. I have however learned of a new way to respect sleep. The nap. No no, not the power nap of my PK days...the loooooong naps I take on weekends with Mallory. Hey, they tell you to sleep when the baby sleeps....they did not specify how old that baby has to be. I nap with my daughter almost every weekend. I don't screw around with these naps either. I'm not talking about the half assed naps that Joe (non sleep respecter) takes on the couch with the TV on. I'm talking full on napping...jammies, in the bed, lots of pillow and covers. I think the only one in the house who respects sleep as much (if not more) then I do is Scarlet. Not because she is 300 years old...she has always been this way. Scarlet has been known to wait at the edge of the hall and stare at you around bedtime....as in "hey assholes, it's time...let's go" Scarlet gets so flipping excited for weekend naps with Mallory that she makes it up the stairs before we do. Scarlet has been known to take a snap at Joe in the mornings when he tries to get her to let her out to go potty. And as I told you here sleeping with Scarlet is at your own risk because you may lose a toe if you should dare touch her at the foot of the bed while she is sleeping....that is IF she is at the foot of the bed and not sharing your pillow.

Someday I will sleep in again. Maybe not till noon like I did PK but there will come a day in my future when the kids can make their own cereal and work the TV themselves. Until then....I will just have to settle for trading Sleep in Days of 8am with Joe and drinking a LOT of coffee.

Dont Let the Face Fool you.....This is Pure Evil

I have told you all about my dog that bites here. I figured it would only be fair to give my other dog his moment to shine. Let me introduce you to Stitch. Just like his namesake he is evil. No really....PURE EVIL.

This right here is 4 pounds of rotten. When we first saw him on the breeders website and saw that his name was Stitch we knew he was ours. At the time the kids were in love with Lilo and Stitch. We dipped into the kids college fund to pay for him (KIDDING) and brought him home with us. Something so small and sweet could certainly not rule the house right? Oh wait...I just described Mallory too.

Anyways.....fast forward just over a year. While we truly do love this dog here are a few things that make him a total pain in the ass he could work on.

After a year....he still shits in our house. He has been known to eat his own crap, you know, with the same mouth he kisses my children with. He has not yet learned that Scarlet hates him, and will always hate him, and does not WANT to play. Despite the fact that he has numerous toys, his favorite thing to chew on are the kids' toys and my books. He will take food and possibly a finger right out of your hands at the speed of light and be gone before you even realize what has happened. He eats his dog food from the bottom of the bowl up....getting it ALL over the kitchen floor...He knows when you are getting ready to put him in his "house" and runs like hell so you cant catch him. He begins complaining to get out of said house around 4am. Loudly. What may shorten his life span though is his constant mission to destroy the cats. He thinks he was put on this earth to torment them. He guards the cat door like he is on border patrol and if he even SEES a cat will dart through it to chase them back down the steps. If he suspects they are near the cat door he will fly off of the back of the couch barking like Cujo to make sure they are not thinking about coming upstairs. The only time they get out of the basement is when he is in his house.

A few endearing trademarks are what saves him....When you give him a treat, he runs around the house with it is his mouth growling like a bad ass...cracks me up. When you are telling him how rotten he is he cocks his head to the side like he is really understanding (not so much caring about) what you have to say. Every night around 8 he jumps up on Joe, gets right up in his face and makes these little growls because he wants to play. Unlike Scarlet, the kids can pet him without fear of getting bitten.

He probably could have benefited from some obedience training....hmmm....maybe his Aunt Gina who I know will be reading this will come and take him to doggy boot camp for awhile....

Happy Monday all. Sorry all you get today is a dog blog....that is all I can come up with this early in the week.

My dog bites

Yeah.....so what. I still like her better then most people I know! My poodle Scarlet is 13 years old. Aside from family and a few high school friends this is the longest relationship I have had with anyone....including my husband and children of course. We have another dog, a one year old Yorkie named Stitch who after a year has still not learned to crap outside. I like Scarlet better then him. Scarlet started out as my sister's dog. I was in college home for the summer when we got her. I thought she was super cute of course but did not spend as much time with her as the rest of my family once I went back to school. Giving an 11 year old a poodle when she wanted a chihuahua is not the best idea I have ever heard of and needless to say my sister did not really take responsibility for her. Once I graduated from Ohio State and got my own apartment my new BFF came with me. Scarlet has been my constant companion ever since. She has been there when bad relationships ended and she was there when the best relationship began. She has always been a GREAT dog, she potty trained easy, she never chewed up things other then her toys, she never USED to bite. When Joe and I moved in together she just took over that house the same way she has every other place we have lived. She accepted a new baby into the home two times with not too much complaining. Cant say the same about the Yorkie but he is starting to learn who is boss. The older she gets the more opinionated she gets. She does not like the vet or getting groomed and this is where the biting comes in.....a few years back she started to snap at the vet and ever since they have put a muzzle on her for appointments--this teeny little muzzle to keep this big scary dog from biting. Pet Smart will no longer use clippers around her muzzle because the tries to bite them (the clippers). Her favorite person to bite is probably my friend Kim who is her stand in mom when Joe and I go somewhere over night. Kim used to be able to come into my house and just let her out. Then Scarlet caught on to this game and wont come for her when she calls. So Scarlet goes to her house now and bites her I would say at least twice a day (yes I realize she is a GREAT friend). She only bites Joe and I when we are trying to *ahem* clean her up on occasion when she has had some *ahem* trouble going potty. She also on occasion (okay, probably every day) have accidents in the house but give her a break....she is like 1000 years old in people years.

So why do I put up with a dogs that bites me, snaps at my kids , will almost take your finger off over pizza crust, and pees in my house? Easy.....she knows all my secrets, all the bad things about me as well as the good and still loves me...she is always waiting on the back of the couch when I get home from work, she gets more excited then I do about nap time.....need I say more?