But, Peter, how do we get to Never Land

Have you heard of this guy?

He thinks he is Peter Pan. For realz. This "boy" dances around the United States dressed like Peter Pan and he even married Tinker Bell which if you really think about it is kind of creepy

Last November while at the airport picking up some of my besties for another weekend of sinning the following transpired

Joe comes up to me after going to get a cup of coffee and informs me that he just saw Robin Hood. In our airport. I looked at him like he was stupid and he kept insisting that he saw Robin Hood. A guy dressed in a Renaissance looking get up complete with tights.

Now I have actually HEARD of this guy before through a friend of mine but quickly burned the image from my brain and never thought of him again. Unlike my friend Kelly who was in town from Long Island and immediately knew it HAD to be the Peter Pan guy. Right, because Columbus does not have it's own fair share of freaks in tights?

so like the assholes we are we tore off in the direction Joe saw him. He was not hard to find. And like the asshole I am I went right up to him and asked him if he was that "guy from the Internet" to which he replied "I am that boy". I am not exaggerating when I say he look beat up. Like he had had a rough night with the other lost boys the night before. His endeavour to not grow up was failing because Randy Pan looked OLD

But instead of (verbally) judging him I did what any other person who do if they met Peter Pan at the airport. I asked for a picture.

Sadly for Kelly and I, he was all out of pixie dust

Pickles are the New Goose

So I was assaulted by a jar of pickles yesterday. No, really. I'm still not sure how it happened but as I was leaned all the way down getting something out of the crisper drawer for the kids

I all of the sudden saw little stars and birds floating around. That shit is really true! After the fog cleared and I looked down I realized that I had just been nailed in the back of my head by a 32 oz jar of pickles It had fallen directly on my head from the top shelf. About 3 feet. Exhibit A showing the size of the jar in comparison with a bottle of vicodin

Due to my insane bawling the kids started to freak out which made my skull throb. I just wanted (for the love of all that is holy) for them to be quiet long enough for me to decide if 1) I was going to pass out, and 2) if I were bleeding from the brain. Neither seemed to be the case so I sent Joe (who was in class) a few texts about how I was just clobbered by a pickle jar. In true man form he was all, "Man that sucks" not "Hey do you need me to leave and come home" But whatever.

I managed to survive the rest of the evening with a throbbing headache like none I have ever experienced. Hindsight I probably should have NOT gone to bed but I did at least ask him to poke me a few times in the middle of the night and make sure I was not dead. I stayed home today, still feeling kind of dizzy and just off. Plus I was not quite ready to face my co workers knowing that they would all soon know that on top of geese I also apparently am on the pickles death list

I ended up going to urgent care today because the headache and "weird" feeling that I cant so much describe would not go away. I sat across from the intake girl and when she asked why I was there responded with "I was attacked by a jar of pickles" She stared. I stared. And when she realized that I was not kidding she began making notes

I underwrite health insurance. A perk of this job is getting to read all of the random shit that people tell their doctors. When you tell your Dr that your marriage is in trouble because of your addiction to hookers or that you just cant seem to shake the vaginal itching they write that shit down verbatim. Forever in my medical records it now says "hit on the head by a jar of pickles.

Diagnosis? Concussion. For realz. Treatment? Nada. There is not a thing to be done about concussions other than don't sleep more than 4 hours at a time without being pestered and don't drink. Both which I have already failed to comply with. Don't judge, the wine helps with the headache.

So adding to the list of things I hate with a raging passion (geese, sold out NKOTB cruises and Snookie) I officially add pickles. And yes I forgive you for laughing because truly....who is NOT going to laugh at a chick who gets a concussion from a pickle jar. I would.

Selling a house.....kind of sucks

So not loving the process of selling my house. Don't get me wrong, I really REALLY want it to sell but the "showing" part of it is 76 shades of on my nerves.

This is how it works. The realtor people call me with only an hour or so of notice and ask to show. Usually this occurs while I am at work. I leave work, hence sucking up my personal time (of which I only get so many hours per year), run home, turn on all my lights, spray the house with febrize cooking smell shit to make it all home-y, turn on my super cool Wii aquarium, get my dogs and leave. People who don't have pets have it WAY easy when it comes to home selling. This is where the real fun begins. Since I have stalker tendencies and patience issues I like to circle my hood and wait until I see the people are actually IN my house. Then I place myself strategically at the bottom of my road so I can see what kind of people are looking at my house, but also so I know when they are gone and I can throw the dogs BACK inside and get back to work.

The other day it went something like this. I get home, do all of the above steps, and sit in my car with 2 dogs and wait. And wait. And wait. Usually they show up towards the beginning of their hour and are gone 10-15 minutes later. Not so much this time. As I wait I notice Pierce's DS in the car with me. SCORE. I start to play random Mario mini games.....did you know you can play poker on Super Mario Bros? THEN I notice that the old dude who's house I'm chilling out beside giving me the eyeball. Like he is nervous that the chick rocking the mini van with a poodle and a Yorkie might be a threat to the hood. I end up getting out and talking to him for a few minutes, explained my situation, and once he knew I was not casing the joint but that I OWNED the joint he was good to go. Get back in my car and the phone rings. Douche bag realtor running late, had to cancel. May as well have light a fire to my hour and a half of personal time.

Also fun was the 614-715 showing last night. Only because Mallory had not had a bath since Sunday and was starting to have a cloud ala Pig Pen from Snoopy following her around. Thankfully I have a close friend who lives by. I packed up kids and dogs and totally gave my daughter a bath at my friend's house. Speaking of the kids......they are pretty much over it too. They are tired of me making them keep their toy room spotless ALL the time, tired of me telling them not to get stuff out. The only thing they think is cool is looking for the "card" that the realtor leaves behind.

Sigh. Please send house selling vibes. The tax credit is over in like 8 days and I am running out of places to hide STUFF

How to get the $h!t scared out of you before even leaving the bed

The last few weeks have been pretty awesome in my bed. And not in a sexy time sort of way (come on people...I'm a LADY, I don't screw and tell). The past few weeks Joe and I have been successful in keeping Mallory in HER bed. After at least a year in our bed. She wakes up here and there and for the most part we have been very firm that she will stay in HER bed. Although the dog has taken her place....and the dogs bites if you touch her while she is sleeping...but that is another story

So this morning I hear the pitter patter of feet at about 6AM. Joe is in the shower, I'm just waking up. Her majesty climbs up in bed with me which is okay since it is time to get up. We have a snuggle and then she hops down to go get something out of her room. I can still hear Joe in the shower, I roll over to kind of chill for a few more minutes....stretch out.....and touch a hand

I seriously shrieked....almost flew to the ceiling, and was pretty close to needing to change the sheets

Seems as though Pierce had a nightmare in the middle of the night and showed up around 3AM. I think he was even awake just laying there and apparently picked this morning not to talk his face off the second he woke up. He of course thought it was funny....as did Joe who had just came back from the shower. My underwear and I....did not think it was as funny

How I spent $100 before 9AM

Today was one of those mornings that needs a lot of Zanax coffee to stomach. It started out not so bad....Actually left the house on time which is always a bonus and headed out to drop Pierce off at school

My gas light came on about 5 minutes later...yes I AM that person who waits till the last minute to get gas. Joe loves it. Get to Giant Eagle (local grocery store) get SUPER excited to have $1.80 off per gallon and filled up for $15.

Get in the car. Start it up. Oh wait...no I did NOT start it up because it would not turn over. Awesome. This happened a few weeks ago when Joe was driving it and it had to be jumped to start it. So I call my knight in shining armour to ruin his day.

He had just pulled on base (about 35 minutes away) and was thrilled to have to leave, turn around at rush hour time and come to my rescue. Meanwhile....Pierce is THRILLED. He thinks it is SUPER cool to be stuck in the car instead of going to school. He had his crack pipe DS with him and was all set. We went inside the grocery store where it was warm and I proceeded to make Pierce's day even MORE awesome by informing him he was having a donut and some grape juice in the store for breakfast.

Joe gets to me....drives us back over to my car and makes everything all better by jumping my car. Oh wait....that is not what happened because it STILL would not start. He finally got it to a point where we could drive it up the street to the battery place and at the tune of $100 I am all set.

While the battery is being replaced Pierce is STILL talking about how awesome it is to be late for school, and then tells me maybe he could make a jet pack and just shoot himself there. He talked so flipping much that I finally called my mom so he could chew HER ear off for awhile while I waited on my coffee to kick in.

now I have a headache.

The Parade of Homes makes me sad, how I spent my weekend blind, and I heart New Kids on the Block

This past week has been a bit on the crazy side. I did not post much last week and I finally figured out why. Not only was I crazy busy but a little crisis hit my family last week that pretty much took a big steamy one on my desire to try and come up with anything fun for the blog. I did not post about it here in my desire to pretend all is well in the world of me. Anyways, last Saturday my mom had a TIA which is a mini stroke. It sounds much worse than it is but it still sucked. She was taken to the ER after the left side of her body went numb and she could not walk very well. By the time I got there that morning they had ruled out major stroke and her symptoms were going away. A TIA has stroke like symptoms but there are no permanent problems like with a major stroke. She was not admitted, they sent her home and she has since had some tests with her Dr and nothing has shown up. So, I spent most of last week calling her every 5 seconds to check on her, hung out with her on Monday and finally just as of this weekend have chilled out a little. I was even able to toss her a couple "don't have a stroke mom" jokes. Now my biggest concern is that her and my step dad who is retired are home together for ANOTHER week of marital bonding and I hope that they don't kill each other

While I was not calling my mommy every 2 seconds I had a few dates this past week. None were with my husband so I did not have to put out which is always a bonus. On Wed I went with BFF Brandy to see the new Harry Potter movie which was FANTASTIC. Also fantastic were the 2 sangria's I sucked down prior to the movie. Even more fantastic is that I did not have to leave the movie to go potty one time....yeah for my bladder.

Thursday's date was with BFF Jenn to our annual buzz kill called the Parade of Homes. We spent 2 hours hating people we don't know for having houses WAY cooler than ours. Some of my favorite's this year....a theater room with a planetarium type ceiling, huge walk in showers with no doors and heated floors, wine cellars and vacuums built into secret holes in the wall. Even I would run the sweeper if I could just pull a hose out of the wall in each room. After pretending I was rich I went home to clean cat vomit off of the floor and wipe up my non ceramic kitchen counters.

Friday. Sigh, oh Friday. Friday morning as I lay in bed with my evil precious daughter.....the one who needs to START SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED I reached over and pulled a "mom". By that I mean I went to swipe a booger out of her nose with my finger. And she put her finger in my eye. In her effort to swat my hand away she stabbed me in the eye with her pointy little finger. I swear I saw fireworks. I had to call Joe because I could not see, make him come home and we had to go to the ER. I had lasik not even a year ago and I was so scared that she jacked up my "flap" which is the cut they have to make to fix your eye. 2 hours later I leave with a diagnosis of 2 corneal abrasions, some eye drops, and an RX for vicodin. Really? Vicodin? They also tried to give me a tetanus shot which I declined....it was a finger nail, not a rusty nail (Nurse Heather, Nurse Janeen, want to weigh in on why they tried to stick me?) The last time I took that I had a BABY cut out of me. Now, that is not the biggest crisis of Friday. The biggest crisis of Friday was that I had a date with BFF Liz to watch the web cast of the New Kids on the Block concert at her house. And I was NOT missing it. She had to come and get me (thanks!!) since I could not see out of one eye and take me back to her place. The concert was AWESOME. Even out of one eye. My vision is STILL not back to 100%...it was better on Sat (meaning I could open the other eye)but still not perfect. Hopefully in a few more days. So, how was YOUR week?

Mallory vs. The Toy

Yesterday I came home to quite a circus of drama. I could hear the screaming as soon as I got out of the car. There is nothing quite like coming home from work to total and complete chaos is there?

So picture it with me. I open the door and step in the house. Mallory is sitting on the chair screaming her face off. A toy hamster is stuck to the side of her head

This toy was bought at a Cracker Barrel on the way home from DC when we realized that we pretty much had nothing for her as a present. It is a stupid hamster that runs around in a ball, or you can take it out of the ball and let it go. The kids named it Rhino after the hamster in the movie Bolt.

Apparently Mallory decided to see what happened if she stuck it to the side of her head. Good thing she has pretty to fall back on right? By the time I entered the shit storm Joe had taken the hamster part off and all that was left stuck to her head was the battery pack that also contained the wheels. And she was freaking out. She begins to scream at me that she "got Rhino stuck on her head" and Pierce (always extremely helpful in these situations) was telling her things like "I wonder if it will stay there forever" and "we are gonna have to cut it out"

Well, big brother was right in this case. We did have to cut it out. You would have thought someone was coming to steal a kidney the way she acted. Joe had to hold her down while I got as close to her scalp as I could and did not poke her eye out.

Now one would think that after the evil toy was no longer attached to her head and mommy hugs and kisses were given that all would be well with the world yes? No. I have mentioned my daughter's temper tantrums before. Last night was no exception. She proceeded to go into the toy room, throw her self on the floor and freak out like she was on fire. Every now and then I would hear her throw a toy or kick something. I generally just let her go when she does this but she really needed to get settled and eat dinner. I asked her if she wants to call Maw Maw and tell her about what happened. She screamed at me NO. Helpy McHelperson chimes in with "I DO" Sigh

Thankfully you cannot tell where I had to cut the hair out. For your viewing pleasure.....

Final Score- Evil Hamster Toy:1 Mallory:0

DO OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes class it is 8:33AM and I need to start all over. I get in my car this morning with my children in PLENTY of time to make it to work on time. This alone is reason to cheer. I glance down and remember THIS

Oh yeah, I need gas. No big deal, we pass a station right on the way to daycare. Off we go listening to the merry tunes of Veggie Tales singing about letting your light shine. We pull into the gas station, I reach into my bag and pull out my walletcant find my wallet. sigh. I must have left it at home. Which is annoying but not a HUGE deal since home is about 5 minutes away. I'm going to be a few minutes late to work.

Get home, dogs are going nuts, look around.....no wallet.

I'm going to be a little bit more late to work.

Call myself at work. Self does not pick up (duh) but co-worker does. "Hey co-worker, is my wallet on my desk? It is? Well that is just FANTASTIC because I need gas and don't have my debit card....I'm going to be a lota little bit late to work

Call Joe. This is his fault. Don't ask how, it just is. Yes, I DO realize how lucky he is to have me thankyouverymuch. Ask Joe where super secret gas card is hidden so that if I even make it back to the gas station I don't have to make out with the guy behind the counter (again) to get gas. I am going to be fairlylate to work.

Armed with the gas card I say a prayer that I make it to the gas station and fill up. I'm starting to get mildly annoyed at all the extra steps in my morning which is about the same time that Pierce decides to ask me questions like "How do you make wood?" and "Why are roofs called roofs?"

Get to day care and say a silent prayer that I keep my military ID (the one that allows me on base) in my car so that I don't have to go to the front gate and make out with the cop (again) to get in. Have I mentioned that I am going to be really late to work

Dropping Mallory off in her class is not a quick process. She does fine but I have to say good bye to her through the window when I pass her class to take Pierce to his, and AGAIN when I walk back out....the 2nd time involves kissy faces through the glass. Everyday.

Reminding myself not to speed as I do not have my license on me I head to work. By this point I am sweating like a hooker in confession and really just want to go back to bed. Get to work, and manage to wrangle up $.80 so that I do not have to make out with the girl at the cafeteria (again) for coffee. Seriously wish that I had something to spike said coffee with.

All in all I was only 20 minutes late to work.

Yeah Me

Survived New York......Not without a bit of drama of course

I thought about doing this NOT ME style but that will take WAY to much effort.



I had SO. MUCH. FUN. in NYC.....even with an unexpected bit of drama.



We got there around 6AM. I had not slept much on the bus and I was SO tired but there was not much to be done about that. We were dropped off at Rockefeller Center and told to meet back at 8 that night. We got lucky with beautiful weather all day long. The first thing we did was hop the subway to head towards the ground zero area since all of the shops were still closed.


We took the subway all day long...some of the people on the trip wanted no part of that but it really was not bad at all, yeah some were dirty but we did not have any trouble getting where we needed to be and we were able to see so many more parts of the city that way.


The World Trade Center is actually under construction to be re-built right now. It was kind of a bummer not to be able to see it due to construction fences up everywhere. The one thing that I thought was SO cool was the St Paul's Chapel which is directly across from where the Twin Towers stood was left unharmed after the attacks.



We spent some time in a store called Century 21 which had a lot of designer clothes and shoes at a more reasonable price. I bought one little bathing suit cover up for Mallory (Kate Mack brand) but I was not about to go nuts there because I needed to save my money for......

PURSES

We hopped back on the subway and headed into China Town. This was where the real fun began....as SOON as we got up onto the street they started. And by THEY I mean the purse people. They walk around the streets mumbling under there breath and this is what you BARELY hear....."Coach, Chanel, Prada.....Coach, Purses?? Chanel?" Seriously....all just so you can barely hear them. Once you make eye contact they give you a "look" and you kind of nod and the next thing you know you are in the back of some shady parking lot in a kidnapper van with no windows filled with purses. It was awesome. At one point I was so excited to be following someone through a parking lot that I tore a hole in my jeans on some rusty van and barely avoided a nice case of tetanus. That however was not the best part about shopping in China Town. The best part was when we followed some guy into a shop, went behind a curtain, down a hall and then he OPENED PART OF THE WALL to reveal another hallway that lead to a room full of bags. You could not even tell it was a door. These people are pretty serious about not getting caught...they use walkie talkies to find out if it is safe to bring people in. Scandalous!!

Once I scored my 2 "Pradas" and a pair of Chanel sunglasses we headed back to the not shady part of our day which was lunch at Hard Rock and then shopping at Macy's.

Feet are starting to hurt by now.

We capped our day off with a quick visit to Central Park which was super pretty and then headed back towards Rockefeller center to grab dinner quick somewhere and wait on the bus. One last stop into an AWESOME cupcake bakery that thank GOD is not in my city and then we were ready to go home.

And then the drama started.

About 10 after 8 one bus has shown up along with the owner of the company. Apparently when our awesome bus driver Rudy went to start the bus that my group was on it did not start. And we had to spend the night. A lot of people were pissed because by this point everyone was so tired and just wanted to go home. But what could we do, better it broke down here than in the mountains in PA. The owner of the company was awesome....she put everyone in a hotel just outside of the city and paid for it. We ended up not getting home until 7PM instead of 7AM.

One complication of spending an unexpected night.....clean undies!! Thank goodness that I am super smart and am always prepared but SOME people....who shall remain nameless....because they did give birth to me had to ride home commando and SOME people who shall remain nameless but might be related to me in other ways might have turned their skivies inside out.

Once I got home I pretty much turned right around and went out again.....yes I AM a rock star thank you......how could I not go and see THIS GIRL who came into town. So I capped my night off at a Mexican restaurant with her and This other girl I kind of like.

Here are a few pics for your viewing pleasure if you made it this far.....

Group pic with our awesome driver Rudy I'm the one under the B.

Mini Van (not to be confused with the kidnapper van that was also visited) full of goodies....you can barely see me, I'm the blue shirt with her head in the van.
Happy Monday!

CRAZY.....Party of ONE.....your table is ready....

Seriously.....some of the random stuff that happens in my world makes me wonder if I'm not part of some Truman Show type experiment. Ran by geese. Let's rewind my morning about an hour.....*insert flashback music here*

I pulled my rocking fabulous crumb covered mini van into a parking spot at work. I grabbed my purse, my starbucks, my bag of plastic eggs and candy to give to my mom for the kids egg hunt, and the large kindergarten prep packet I need to look at, and opened my door.

And my panic alarm/horn goes off.

Well crap, I must have hit the button or something when I threw stuff in my purse. Put my stuff down, pulled my keys out and hit the little red button that makes it stop.

BEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEP

That is strange. Put my keys in the ignition, start the car.

BEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEP

ummmm.??

Random co worker walks by. Stares at me. I grin like an asshole and wave.

BEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEP

Call Joe. Everything stupid is his fault. He is aware of this yet for some reason he always gets annoyed when I get pissed at him for things that are beyond his control.

BEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEP

"hey honey....you hear that?"

"ummm, yes...."

"Isn't that AWESOME, I cant get it to turn off"

"Press the red button on your keys"

"THANK YOU Captain Obvious, I already tried that"

"try starting the car"

"Did that, do you think I'm stupid?"

"Don't get pissy with me, you called me to help you"

"Well I want you to FIX IT not tell me the easy stuff"

he laughs....."It is actually kind of funny"

"No it is not....people are staring at me when they walk by....SIGH Goodbye!!"

BEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEP

More random co-workers walk by. One suggests that I hit the red button on my keys.

Finally I somehow get it to stop. Must of been the combo of cussing and psychotic button pushing. I open the door......

BEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEP

This time I get out, shut the door and just stare at my car in bewilderment. The security guard pulls up next to me. The same guy who laughed at me during the goose attack of 08.

"Cant get it to turn off. I don't know what is wrong with it"

"Did you push the red button on your keys"

"Sure did" if one more person asks me this I will stab them with my keys"

Try all the same things as above and somehow it stops again. I look around.....somewhere is a goose with a spare set of my keys laughing....I know it. Whew, okay....ready to go inside.....and my purse is in the car.

Guess what.

BEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEPBEEEEEPBEEEEEEEP

I could not make this shit up if I tried.

Finally again get it to stop. By now I have had the security guard looking for the fuse to yank it out. It is important to note that I had a hitch installed on my van yesterday for the pop up we bought. The only thing I can think is that the good peeps at U-Haul somehow crossed some wires or something. I hate them.

I fear leaving for lunch. How early is too early for xanax?

An Oldie But Goodie.....

I was remembering this craptastic night the other day for some reason and went digging through the archives of the kids site to find it. It never fails that whenever Joe goes out of town, my life is going to suck until he returns. never. fails. This is a first class example.....from June 26th, 2008

So last night ranked pretty high up on the "really crappy parenting nights" list. First off, last night was Joe's last night out of town for work. We saved up ALL the drama for this last night. Around 1130 I woke up and thought I heard our home alarm going off. Turns out it was the tornado sirens (I guess this IS better then home invasion). Pierce comes flying into my room literally shaking he is so scared. There is nothing going on outside so I'm not really sure at this point why the sirens are going off so I turn the TV on. Oh. THAT is why they are going off. The entire county is all sorts of shades of red, pink, purple on the radar. The excitement on the faces of my local weathermen (really? both of them are in?) lead me to believe things were about to get really crappy.

By now Mallory is also awake but so far no drama. I told Pierce I was going to run downstairs really quickly and get a flashlight on the off chance our power goes out and I will be right back. 30 seconds later with 2 kids stuck up my butt I get downstairs and can't find one. Call Joe, scream about lack of flashlights in frustrations (yes, everything IS his fault when he is out of town) find a flashlight, head back upstairs. By now the storms are starting to roll in and with it Mallory's panic attack. I know that I tend to be dramatic but I kid you not when I say she screamed, and shook, and got all sweaty for the next 3 hours non stop. It. Was. Awful. She would start to fall asleep (still moaning) and then those damn sirens would kick up again (yes, they kept going off thanks to the lightning, super) and she would start all over. Pierce told her at one point to be quiet because he was trying to watch the weather.

Joe called about an hour in "sorry honey, can't talk, cant hear you over screaming" We probably should have been in the basement but since our (chipper) weathermen said there was not *really* a tornado but more like the chance of one I decided to take my chances upstairs. You can mail my "mother of the year award" anytime.

3 hours later things settle down and we fall asleep (sort of, kids on top of me all sweaty, Mallory still shaking). I wake up at 7...coincidentally the same time I am due to be at work, call to say I will be late, and take 2 super cranky sleep deprived children to school. Upon leaving my house this morning a spider that had to have been missing from our local zoo ran across my garage floor scaring the crap out of both me and pierce…….he is hiding under my van (the spider, not pierce) and I'm wearing flip flops. Fun to watch me put kids in the car seat knowing that he was there. Waiting.

While leaving daycare I can hear Mallory screaming for me all way down the hall and out the door. Head right to Tim Horton's for coffee, call my mom only to hear that she "slept through it all" (thanks mom) and get to work where I sit now trying very hard to stay awake.

Joe comes home tonight and I will be going directly to bed

Ahhhh. That was a really really shitty night. I'm hoping that Mallory's fear of thunder storms is over now that spring is coming.

EFF YOU SNOW

This day is starting out to be a big ole bag of suck. I woke up this morning and before I even looked outside I could hear the ice. Super....with hope in my heart I called my company's weather line thinking maybe.....just maybe....we would be closed. Not so much. 2 hour delay. Meanwhile I look at all the other closings on the TV and laugh at the irony that while the Air National Guard does not have to report to work, I do.

I get showered, get the kids up and dressed and leave for work in plenty of time to get the kids to daycare and me to work using my normal "there is snow on the ground" pace of about 20mph.

Yes, that's right....I'm one of THOSE assholes.

While sitting at a red light I go to update my facebook status to something bitchy when I see a co-worker has posted that work is closed. WTF?? I call my boss who confirms that yes indeed, we ARE closed now. While I am truly pleased at this development I would have been even MORE pleased had this been decided....oh a few hours earlier.

On my way back home I realize we will have to stop at the store for milk and wine and I have Helpy McHelperson in the back seat going "Wow Mommy, this is a different day....I have never had breakfast BEFORE school (hey, they feed my kids there) and I have never had to turn around and go back home before"

Little did I know the fun had yet to begin. The driveway has not been shoveled....slid down this morning on my way out. Saying a prayer I hit the gas pedal to see if maybe I would get lucky and coast right up my (uphill) driveway. Wrong again. I get out of the car....do some half ass shoveling to find a nice sheet of ice about 2 inches thick under the snow. SURPRISE!! I go to find the salt container thingy and guess what.....EMPTY. SURPRISE.

I try to break it up as much as I can and get back in the car. Helpy McHelperson and his sister Mouthy McBrat are telling me that I am not doing a good job getting into the garage. Thanks guys, get out and push.

I will be victorious over the driveway. I will. Looking around the garage for something to help me get some traction I see the light.....in the form of a bag of bird seed.

Half a bag later I am THIS close to getting into the garage....cussing in front of my kids (mother of the year) I hit it one last time and barely avoid putting the car into the living room.

The kids cheer.

We are now all back in our jammies. I have already threatened the kids with taking them to school if they don't behave.

Snow and Ice..... Kiss my ass.

The Tale of the Dragon and the Queen

Our tale begins 3 years ago many years ago in Ohio a land far far away.

There once was a worn out working mom a beautiful Queen who was married to a worn out working dad handsome King. They lived in a 2 story house beautiful castle and had a sweet little prince who was at the time of this tale a wee 2 and a half years old. The beautiful Queen was so pregnant she wanted to die soon to soon to give birth to a beautiful Princess. In our tale the beautiful Queen had a job where she worked because they had to pay the bills out of the joy in her heart to serve others.

One day, on the last day of the Queen's service before being cut open blessed with the arrival of the princess the Queen found herself locked out of her darn car unable to get into her her white stage coach due to her own stupidity evil trolls putting a locking charm on it. The Queen was royally pissed very distressed and she called the King to come to her rescue. The King was unable to get to her and reminded her that there was a spare key magic wand kept beneath the stage coach for just this purpose that would break the evil spell.

Our fair Queen being fat and swollen beautifully rounded with her baby was unable to get down on the ground and reach under the stage coach for the wand though she tried with all her might. Meanwhile in the pond next to her stage coach an evil goose dragon was watching all of this with evil thoughts in his heart. He wanted to kill the Queen....he did. He slowly advanced on her while she was trying to reach the magic wand and began hissing his face off taunting our beautiful queen. Finally after many minutes of the stalking her, the Queen, now very distressed told him to fuck off kindly asked him to spare her life. The Queen was beginning to think she would never get back to the castle when a lady out on a smoke break wonderful fairy came along having heard the Queen cussing at the Goose like a fool plea with the evil dragon to leave her be. She was able to reach the magic wand and our Queen was able to return to the castle.

2 years later our Queen still tired...2 kids now living her blessed life with the King, Prince and Princess was once again heading back to the castle after a day of working in insurance serving others out of the need to pay daycare the goodness of her heart. She was heading to her new and improved mini van stage coach when she noticed the same damn goose evil dragon slowly heading her way. At first he came at her slowly...quietly....she watched him, unsure what his intentions were. He hissed growled at the Queen and she was beginning to once again fear for her life. All of the sudden the goose dragon took flight and flew straight at the Queens' face honking roaring loudly at her, fire flaming out of his mouth. In fear the Queen screamed. Armed with a Kate Spade bag a mighty sword given to her by the King to protect herself she did the only thing she could do and swung that bag up over her head raised her sword and nailed his ass with it just before he hit her in the face slayed the dragon just as he was set to kill her. The dragon lost some feathers and flew back to the pond fell. Dead.

Later that night at the castle. After everyone she knew had made fun of her tales of her bravery had reached far across the land the Queen realized that she was missing her 30G video iPod magic music box that she had in her Kate Spade bag close to her at the time of the attack. Frantically she went back to the place she had been working that day and looked all around for her magic music box as it was one of her most treasured possessions. Alas the magic music box was missing...her one hope was that someone had found it and would turn it into the lobby return it to her.

The next day....she was giving her time once again to the insurance company the people of her land when she was sent a message from the receptionist a messenger that someone had FOUND her beloved music box and it was waiting for her to pick up. With joy the queen ran to collect her music box...only to find that someone had ran it over it had been destroyed. Alas, in the chaos that was the attack on the dragon her magic music box had fallen out of her purse and had been ran over by another stage coach. The queen was so sad for she loved her music box.

Upon returning to the castle that night, saddened by the loss of her music box she pleaded with the King to please let her buy another one make her a new one. The king knowing he would never hear the end of it loved the queen SO much that he set out to buy make her a new one right away....80G BOO YA more beautiful then the last. The beautiful Queen was happy once more after 3 to 5business days.

And the beautiful, brave Queen lived happily ever after.