It is my anniversary.....AKA Q and A pt 3

7 years ago today Joe became the luckiest man alive. Yep, today is our anniversary! Isn't this when that 7 year itch is supposed to kick in? I'm not really sure what that is honestly but I hope it involves me shopping more.

In the past 7 years Joe has learned more about me than any other person has. Joe has this wicked power to read my mind. Kind of like this morning when I told him that I was not going to shave my legs again until he unclogged the drain in my shower. It's fall...I can rock these hairy legs till spring if need be. Without me even implying what I really meant he knew that there would be no sex until I stop showering in 6 inches of water. Guess what, my shower got fixed today. See, it is moments like this.....our flawless communication that makes us a match made in heaven.

What better day than today to take on Martha's questions from my Q&A post a few weeks back. Ms Martha asks.....

"what is your most favorite food in the world besides wine and cooked goose? And how did you and hubby meet?"

I heart Martha....she knows me well....she knows all about my hatred for geese (unless they are dead) and my love for wine. The kind of food that will kick weight watchers right in the ass where I am concerned is chips and salsa. Is that random enough? It has to be GOOD salsa though (bonus if it is from Chipolte)none of that Tostitos crap....I want real fresh yummy salsa. I want it now actually.

New topic before I lose control and head to Chipolte. Martha also asked how Joe and I met....this is where I get lazy and direct you HERE because I am entirely too lazy to type all of that out again. Plus I need to run and get some chips and salsa.

Reason #233 Why Boys Are Dumb

I got a new toy over the weekend. It's pink, it's 10 inches and it brings me great pleasure.....want to know what it is?

Now that your minds are out of the gutter you little pervs let me tell you about my new toy! It appears that Joe and I I have a problem sharing. Each night after our kids are in bed I would plop down on the couch and proceed to monopolize the laptop for as long as I felt need to do so. I'm a busy girl, what with building my virtual zoo on facebook and chatting with my mommy board friends. Now granted we have a desktop in another room but it is very far away from the TV and neither of us would sacrifice our shows to go use the crappy computer in the other room. Finally Joe got tired of my bitching and decided that we could get my pretty pink dell mini!!

On to the reason why boys are dumb....Seriously....why can guys not ASK FOR HELP when they need it? Why do they think they can do everything all by themselves? I swear I want to tell him that even though he CANT fix our broken dishwasher he is still good in bed....the 2 are NOT related. I remember back when I was pregnant with Pierce and we had just moved into our house.....he came home one day with tons of pipes mumbling some nonsense about re-doing some GAS pipes in the basement. I picked my poodle up and headed to my mom's for the day and told him to call me when he was done if he did not blow up the house.

I digress. This issue is about my pretty pink laptop and how I needed it hooked up to the Internet NOW. Now Joe is a smart guy and he actually does know how to set up wireless on a new computer....he did it with the soon to no longer be shared laptop and I was not at all concerned that he would not be able to get my new one set up. Until he couldn't. Apparently doing the normal thing that you do to set up a laptop to wireless was not working. That was the first night. The second night I told him that he should just call the Dell 24 hour customer service line. An hour later he is still sitting there looking at my laptop. Whenever Joe is fixing something or putting it together (Pierce's bike, a table that we bought, ect) I can guarantee that 2 things will come out of his mouth at some point. "This doesn't make any sense" and "sonofabitch". I again encourage him to call Dell to which he told me that I could call them if I wanted to. mmmmmmkay. FINALLY he concedes and gives them a call.

10 minutes later my laptop is up and running. Apparently my screen resolution was all jacked up and there was a little box that could not be seen that needed checked.

10 minutes later.

Boys are dumb.

(He also told me that the first thing he was going to do once he took posession of the old laptop was remove my Twilight wallpaper and replace it with some hot chick background. When he wasnt looking I replaced it with a picture of me. HA)

Not Me Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Since I forgot to write everything down this past week I am NOT going to be pulling stuff out of thin air.

The most important thing that did NOT happen this past week......I did NOT spend all day Thursday in a foul mood because BFF NYKelly was in here in Ohio for a meeting and would be unable to get together due to time constraints. Then when she called with about one hour of free time I did NOT fly out of work like the building was on fire to go meet her at the Airport to have a quick drink with her compliments of her (hot) boss. If that had happened it would have been the highlight of my week because I heart her big time.

Friday night was NOT spent at a Mexican restaurant with my work BFFs consuming margaritas and chips and salsa. We did NOT have conversations of an R rated nature in a family restaurant...I wont name names but there was NOT homework of a dirty nature assigned which apparently was rated A+ the next day.

We also did NOT buy a pop up camper this weekend. If we had, I know that this may come to a surprise to some of you because what kind of high maintenance girl goes camping? I am NOT super excited about this.....my kids are NOT going to love it at all.....If we HAD bought a pop up camper it would be because this high maintenance girl actually LOVES to camp. As long as it is not in a tent.

I was NOT super excited to ship Joe off to play poker one night this weekend. I love spending every waking breathing moment with my husband and I did NOT have a hard time deciding if I should rent a movie or catch up on Desperate Housewives....in the end I did NOT do both.

Yesterday when Mallory and I laid down to take a nap at 12:30 we did NOT sleep until 4:00. Oops. I imagine that if we had taken a 3.5 hour nap that would have resulted in Mallory being awake and ready to party like a rock star until 3AM this morning. In my bed. If that had happened then I would be one super cranky tired mommy this morning who was also NOT late to work because she had some motivational issues.

Happy Monday. I'm NOT about to fall asleep at my desk.

The Art of Selective Hearing.

It never fails to amaze me how husbands (and I'm using the plural here because I know MINE is not the only one) have this neat-o capability to only hear what they want to hear. Can you imagine a life where the ONLY things that make it to your ears are things you WANT to hear? Meanwhile all those baaaaaad things that us wives say such as "hey honey I'm going shopping today" come out like a teacher at Charlie Brown's school is speaking?

What a defense mechanism to have your mind automatically filter out the unfortunate things such as "I would like to go scrap booking today" or "Hey can you wipe the dogs butt?" and only hear things like "Do you want me to cook dinner wearing nothing but an apron?" ***

Let's take this example. Last weekend Joe mentioned to me that he was invited to play poker with some friends of ours this coming Saturday. Excellent.....please go because I was actually hoping to do drinks dinner with my girlfriends from work on Friday. Sounds like a plan.

Fast forward to last night when I reminded him of my plans for today. Blank stare.

Really? You can bet your ass that if I had said "Hey honey, next weekend I'm inviting Angelina Jolie over for a threesome " he would not have forgotten. In fact I could have said "Honey I'm inviting Angelina Jolie over for a threesome on May 7th 2015" and he would have the date memorized.

What part of the male brain censors words like "shopping"? It is truly fascinating. It must be the same part of the FEMALE brain that censors words such as "laundry" and "shave your legs"

Perhaps we need to find some sort of way to associate the things we WANT them to remember with something happy for them like golf. Such as when I let my husband know that there is something that I want to do I also smack him over the head with a driver. That way when he thinks of golf (happy things) he remembers that I too have plans.

win/win right?

***These words would never actually BE uttered in my house. I don't do aprons. Or cook

PS----I have this FABULOUS friend named Amy. I heart her in the big puffy heart way. She just released her sarcasm to the public for your reading pleasure...she is evil in a Cammie sort of way....which of course is why I heart her. HERE is her blog. She kicks ass.

I did not win the lotto

This is a sad day. This was the day that I was supposed to win the lotto. However my plans have since been thwarted by some asshole in New Jersey. Jealous? Moi?

Yes

See the thing is.....I'm not greedy about it. I would have been willing to SHARE those millions (evident in the fact that I was in on a pool of 97 people here in my office). I would have gladly accepted just ONE of those millions. Heck I would have taken $500,000. Okay, seriously....I would have taken $50,000

I am not under the impression that money buys happiness. Not at all. What money does buy is shoes, purses, a mac Book, makeup, and new wardrobes for myself and my family. THAT buys happiness.

Sure all those millions could buy a kick ass house but unless it came with a kick ass maid and a pool boy that looked like Edward Cullen I really would not be interested anyways.

Really though....I would have been happy just winning enough to pay off my house, cars and that damn student loan that has lingered longer than my knowledge from said degree did.

So screw you personinNewJerseywhowonmymillions. Way to crush my dreams. I suppose I will have to continue to live with my husband/soul mate who I adore and the 2 best kids in the world in a house that does NOT have a wine cellar.....without my macBook. Or pool boy.

sigh

Good morning class. Today we are going to talk about poop.

I am going to focus on 3 "beings" that live in my house where this topic is concerned but before I do that......

THIS is Pierce. I feel like he does not get enough attention on this blog and it is not because I like his sister more then him but more because the kid is mostly so laid back that all he does is color and there is no way to make fun of that. True, he is the kid who respects sleep the least and gets up at dark o clock every day but other then that I've got nothing on him these days...I'm sure his time will come.

Now, back to poop. First up on my list of course is Mallory. Poor thing is such an easy target. Unless you are new to the House of No Sleep you know that I am in the throes of potty training hell. This is more a funny story then a complaint....I have tried everything to get this kid to poop on the potty. Yet every night she would continue to call me into her room 5 minutes after putting her to bed in a diaper because she has pooped in it. You see that little Disney widget up there in the corner.....this kid LIVES for Mickey Mouse. Last weekend I tell her....."we are NOT going to Mickey's house until you poop in the potty" Her response...."I don't want to go to Mickey's house, I want to stay home"

Fast forward to the next day. We lay down to take a nap (yes WE...they say to sleep when your baby sleeps not my fault she is almost 3) and she tells me she has to go potty. I take her into the bathroom, put her on the potty and by what could ONLY be a total accident she poops. Man if you could see the fuss I made....dancing around like a mad woman cheering her on. She can now see that the potty will NOT eat her if she poops in it so she goes to work another one out. This is where I wish I had a recording....because in the midst of grunting (and girlfriend was really working on this one) she says "ugghhhhImGoingToMickey'sHouseurrghhhh" okay, I cannot do this justice in words but let's just say that hearing her say that in the middle of "pushing" almost made ME shit myself.

Ever since then she is a pooping machine. The only thing is.....she wants me to "hold" her while she is doing it. As in, sit on a stool (haha, stool) next to her and hold her hands while she does her business. Really? Are we are on a date here? I wont complain though, we are one step closer to being DONE with diapers which then means more money to be spent on wine.

Next up. Stitch. The 4.5lb ball of terror. He is another one in my house who refuses to potty train. yeah, he almost a year and a half old. What kind of dumb ass dog cannot get it by then? Oh yeah....mine. He IS pretty good about going to the door to go outside to pee but for some reason....he prefers to take a big old crap every day in the same spot of my living room. Now, if he is smart enough to crap in the same place INSIDE why can he not be smart enough to do it in the same place OUTSIDE. The real problem here.......on REALLY special days he prefers to clean up after himself. As in EAT it. Yum. With the SAME mouth he tries to kiss my family with. Needless to say we don't like to make out with this dog as much as we do with Scarlet.

Finally on my "shit list" is Joe. Since he does not read my blog I am free to talk about him whenever and however I choose. Today I choose to ask......."What the HELL are you doing in there?????" After 6.5 years of marriage you would think that I would have solved this mystery. Get in and get out is my motto......Joe on the other hand takes the paper and I don't see him for 20 minutes. How is this fair? Most days I cannot go to the bathroom without a 2 year old on my lap.

If he DID read this blog my word of advice to him would be......."If you want to spend that long in the bathroom, try cleaning it for me. Nothing turns me on more than when you clean"

GIMME

The parents in The House of No Sleep....aka myself and the husband....each have what we call a GIMME. No, not referring to any sort of golf term where a gimme means that they ball is so close to the hole that you just assume the next shot will go in (you like that Golf knowledge? I don't). A Gimme in our house is that ONE person who should he or she show up at our door the other spouse has to leave for awhile no questions asked. You following me here?

Now, before you think that Joe and I are some sick swinger type freaks, I need to make it known that our GIMMEs are not ever likely to show up at our door....it is not like some hot chick up the street or a stud from my office.

For example. My Gimme:


Meet my secret boyfriend Josh Hartnett. I have had a stupid school girl crush on him since his days of The Faculty....which may just be one of the dumbest movies ever. Joe is aware that if for some reason Josh should ever come calling then he needs to find something to do. Just like I know that if this person.....


.......finds time between diapers and saving the world to come visit I need to go shopping or something.

Let's face it. Josh is going to show up WAY before Skankalina Angelina will. When you are sleeping with Brad Pitt you don't really NEED to go roaming now do you? Josh on the other hand.....not married, unattached, no kids. Game On.

Joe also knows that if I am ever so lucky that Edward comes crawling out of my Twilight book he needs to leave the house for awhile too......

Do you have a gimme?

Today's blog post is brought to you by the letter.....

I saw this meme over on Danielle's blog. I thought it was cute and I wanted to play so I asked her to give me a letter. She gave me the letter D and now I have to make a list of 10 things I like that start with the letter D. Funny because I'm actually having an easier time thinking of things I DON'T like that start with D (dieting) but for once I will play by the rules.

1) Disney. All things Disney. From the Disney channel that allows me to use the bathroom alone to Disney World which is pretty much my favorite place ever.

2)Dates. With Joe of course. We don't get NEARLY enough of these and anytime I have alone with my husband is wonderful

3)Drinking. Not drinking like going out and throwing back shots of tequila, falling down and then waking up with a tongue that feels coated with fur (ahhh the good old days) but having a glass of wine is my favorite way to chill after putting the kids to bed.

4) Daughter. My sweet little punkin who has my spunk, attitude, and temper all wrapped into 23lbs of tasty good toddler. I love her brother as well but I did not get the letter S for son.

5)Dollars. As in "Honey, can I please have $50 to go shopping?" Which also usually leads to DENIED

6)Day Care. Speaking of my kids that I love more then life....I'm so very glad that they go to DAY CARE. I have nothing but respect for stay at home mom's....your job is WAY harder then mine....but no way could I do it. See #3 because I would have to do that a LOT more.

7)Diamonds. They ARE a girl's best friend. Too bad we lack enough of #5 for me to have more of #7....sigh, back to #3

8)Diary. Or as I like to call it....BLOG. I have had much fun doing this in the last few months. It is fun to have a place to be totally random, make fun of myself or or of others.

9)Dancing. Not so much myself anymore (maybe when I engage in #3) but watching my kids dance. Mallory has really been into shaking her booty lately (thank GOD because she does need to pay for college eventually) and it is so cute to see her dance around to whatever annoying Noggin song is on TV.

10) Drawde. This simply is Edward spelled backwards. And I like him all ways, forward, backward, sideways....mmmm......this sounds kinky....I better stop now.

If you want to play let me know and I will give you a letter! I can't email from work but I will just leave you a comment on your blog.

Respect Sleep

I have a secret to share. Okay, maybe not so much a secret as a confession. My favorite thing to do....it's not read, or scrapbook....it's not drinking wine or ever better scrapdrinking (do I need to define that?). No, none of these are my favorite pass time, although those are up there on the things I like list. My favorite hobby is sleeping. Yep. Sleeping. Do you see the irony in this as I do live in the House of No Sleep? Years ago....BK (before kids) I used to sleep like I was going for the gold medal in the sleeping Olympics. BK I used to sleep till at least 10-12 on days that I did not have to work. On weekdays I would come home and catch a quick cat nap on the couch. When I lived alone in my post college-pre Joe apartment I actually had a navy blue blanket nailed to my window so that I could sleep into the afternoon without knowing it was light outside. When Joe and I moved in together it would drive me crazy that for no reason whatsoever other then to annoy the hell out of me he would be up and ready to take on the word at 7AM on the weekends. Bugging me to go run errands with him. Pointing out to me how much we could get done before noon. AK (duh) I have even more respect for sleep then I did BK. To this day my son does not have much use for sleep. He did not sleep through the night until he was 18 months old. 18 long months of getting up with him in the middle of the night. For some reason the "ready to take on the world at 7am" man I married disappeared. He started to barter with me for Sleep in Days instead of being up and making coffee at 7am. I tried to tell him that it was WAY to late to start to respect sleep this late in the game....such a change in sleeping habits was just unacceptable to me. 2.5 years later along came another small person who did not respect sleep. She STILL does not sleep through the night. The only difference is her parents are so lazy that instead of fighting the battle (which she would indeed win) we just throw her in bed with us. Long gone are the days where sleeping in meant 10am....now sleeping in is 8am and we trade off days on the weekend. These past 3 days for some reason my kids slept till 730 and Joe and I thought we had died and gone to heaven. People let me tell you it is HARD to entertain your kids all day when all days starts most days at 5am. A friend asked me once if I was really playing with play-dough at 8am on a Sunday and I was like hell yes I am, we have already watched all the kid shows on the DVR. I have however learned of a new way to respect sleep. The nap. No no, not the power nap of my PK days...the loooooong naps I take on weekends with Mallory. Hey, they tell you to sleep when the baby sleeps....they did not specify how old that baby has to be. I nap with my daughter almost every weekend. I don't screw around with these naps either. I'm not talking about the half assed naps that Joe (non sleep respecter) takes on the couch with the TV on. I'm talking full on napping...jammies, in the bed, lots of pillow and covers. I think the only one in the house who respects sleep as much (if not more) then I do is Scarlet. Not because she is 300 years old...she has always been this way. Scarlet has been known to wait at the edge of the hall and stare at you around bedtime....as in "hey assholes, it's time...let's go" Scarlet gets so flipping excited for weekend naps with Mallory that she makes it up the stairs before we do. Scarlet has been known to take a snap at Joe in the mornings when he tries to get her to let her out to go potty. And as I told you here sleeping with Scarlet is at your own risk because you may lose a toe if you should dare touch her at the foot of the bed while she is sleeping....that is IF she is at the foot of the bed and not sharing your pillow.

Someday I will sleep in again. Maybe not till noon like I did PK but there will come a day in my future when the kids can make their own cereal and work the TV themselves. Until then....I will just have to settle for trading Sleep in Days of 8am with Joe and drinking a LOT of coffee.

Dear Joe, I mean....Santa

There are some things that I really want need this Christmas and I thought that if I took the time to spell it out here in plain sight that perhaps I would wake up on Christmas morning a happy girl. I know that most of my gift requests are a lot little on the pricey side but I have been a reallllllly good girl this year so I'm pulling out all the stops.

I'm going to start right at the top of the "I know there is no way in hell I will get this" list and work down.

This Christmas I would love my very own:

Santa, it appears that the husband and I have some issues sharing a laptop. Yes, I am aware that we have both a laptop AND a desktop...but we are both too lazy to go to the other room....really Santa...it would be good for our relationship to be TOGETHER while surfing the Internet and watching TV instead of doing this from separate rooms. I know we have thus far been a PC family Santa, but I have so many friends who enjoy the iChat and this HAS to be a reason to switch to a MAC.

Something else on my Christmas list this year....

Santa, I work my ass off preserving my kids memories in photos. This truly is a gift that would just keep on giving. It also would be nice to have a photography class to go along with that...again, just thinking of the family.

Speaking of memory preservation....you know I have a bit of a soft spot for all things scrapbooking...and it is possible that I have an addiction to embellishments of all kinds. In fact...it would be safe to say that I need a little organization to my scrapbook supplies. Fear not though, I have found the PERFECT solution to my disorganization...

This is the clip it up organizer Joe Santa. It comes in a two tiered version as well....and you can find it at Archivers at Easton....in case your elves could not make it.

I know that this list is a bit much....and possibly unrealistic so, in case you were looking for something that would NOT cause us to have to forclose on our home.....I always can be bribed into happiness with

and

and let's not forget.....


or if you can possibly swing it....

Thanks for taking the time to read my Christmas letter Joe Santa. I hope you have a safe trip around the world.