Have you seen my creativity?

Because I sure as hell have not. I have looked, I'm considering putting up an award for it.

Part of my problem I know is that I have changed jobs within my company. No longer am I working in the awesome call center environment that allowed me the free time between calls to actually LISTEN to the voices in my head and put those thoughts here for your reading pleasure. This also explains the crappy job I have been doing commenting on the 200 blogs I keep in my reader. I'm back to actually carrying a physical work load of files versus waiting on the next call to come in. What is funny is that I fought tooth and nail that I was NOT going into the call center with a college degree thankyouverymuch. Yeah, joke was on me. I loved it and I cannot wait to go back.

So what to blog about today? I could talk all about how Pierce is kicking ass in flag football...now that he gets that he only pulls the flag from the OTHER team. I could tell you how I shelled out $100 for Mallory to be a cheerleader for his team only to have her cheer one game and decide she hated it. Man that sucked because she looks SO cute in that outfit with those little pom poms.

Oh, I could blog about how I totally SUCK at dieting and how Joe has lost 13lbs doing weight watchers.....I lost 5 and then had to be on steroids for 2 weeks and gained it back!

I could also tell you about my new crackberry blackberry and how I squeal in delight every time I get a new IM or find something new that it does

But.....I should probably get back to reading medical records and making decisions on those darn insurance applications.

Growth

I have this strange little growth attached to my rear end. Gross right? Wait, I have a picture of it....can you diagnose me?

I know she is cute, I know she is my baby and I should treasure these moments....but for the love of all that is holy....she is seriously stuck up my ass. I do realize I am a very cool person but seriously....I have things to do

Let me get a little specific here. I know kids go through stages where they are attached to one parent or the other but Mallory takes this obsession with me to a whole new level. If I am home. I will be seated on the couch. And she will be seated in my lap. No questions. If for some reason I feel like, ohhhh cleaning the kitchen, or going to the bathroom there will be repercussions. I am not exaggerating. Yesterday she yelled at me for a good 20 minutes while I cleaned the kitchen after lunch to "COME SIT DOWN MOMMY" The longer it took the more pissed off she got. At one point she told me I was not her "bestest friend anymore"

When I DO finally sit down she backs her little butt up to me so I can pick her up and put her in my lap. That is not where it ends. She needs my arm around her so she can settle back into me. It's like I'm her freaking arm chair.

I love to snuggle with my kids, but I get driven to vodka when they want to HANG ON ME non stop. It is no wonder when I go to bed it is understood that I have MY side of the bed and Joe has HIS side of the bed...I need those 4 hours of sleep (before she joins us) where no one is touching me.

The mommy obsession follows us out of the house as well. We went through a phase where I was the only one who could buckle her in and get her out of her car seat. Thankfully that one was short lived but this weekend she started insisting on getting out of Pierce's side of the van so I could be there when she hopped out.

I have visions of me in bed with her when she is married. Scary visions

Thankfully she is not one to throw a screaming fit if I leave the house...she is only like this when I am with her. Sigh. It is hard being the coolest person I know

I ♥ Faces - At The Beach, and Why It Sucks To Be Mallory's First Boyfriend

Before I post my entry for I ♥ Faces I wanted to post what I am sure most of you already know....Sweet Baby Stellan is back in the hospital and not doing very well at all. Please send up a prayer for him and his Dr's so that they can find out how to make him well again. www.mycharmingkids.net.

This picture is from our trip to Holden Beach earlier this month. I love her smile and how she is just kind of off to the side. Head over to I ♥ Faces to see more entries!

So I imagine that face is bound to get some male attention down the road yes? Let me recap an incident that occurred on Friday at daycare. Pierce has been mentioning a new "friend" in his class by the name of Phoenix. Apparently the 2 of them are not getting along all that well. He has mentioned on more than one occasion that he does not like her and that she is mean. I pretty much just told him to not play with her if she is mean.

So I get there on Friday and it is later in the day so they had combined preschool and Pre K and they were out on the playground together. The first thing he does when I get outside is run up to me and tell me how Phoenix had just ran Mallory over with a tricycle. "Oh know she DI-ENT" was my first thought. Before I could even respond he took off running. I did not think much about it since Mallory was still playing and seemed to be fine. I was talking to one of the teachers when I heard someone yell his name. It appears that after he ran off from me, Pierce had gone over to the swings and proceeded to kick this little girl each time she swung up. She started smacking him back. Before it got to out of hand I yelled at him to come back over to me.

The teacher was trying to get him to apologize and he was not having any part of it (duh, he was not sorry) and he wound up starting to cry. I told him that he was NOT in trouble but that it was not okay to use his hands or feet on other kids ESPECIALLY not a girl. I praised him for wanting to stick up for and protect his little sister but told him it was not okay to hit. I personally was having a hard time not wanting to kick her myself actually.

I can only IMAGINE what this scene will look like when they are both in high school together and Mallory has her heart broken for the first time. God help the kid who does it

Funny thing is later that night they were back to wanting to kill each other. Apparently it is okay for HIM to beat on his sister so long as no one else is doing it

Dear So and So

Another Friday, another list of things that just need to be said. HAPPY FRIDAY!! Before I get into berating people places and things I need to note....THIS is my 198th post. How in the HECK did that happen? If you missed my 100th you can find it HERE. I don't so much think I will be shooting for 200 things about me OR 200 comments. Perhaps I will just let it slide on by. Maybe I will do a give a way, maybe I will just ask for presents. Anyone want to sponser a giveaway? Anyone? Bueller?

Dear eBay Seller,
Hi, I'm Cammie. You may note by my 100s of positive feed backs that I have been around the eBay block a few times. I love me some eBay. Last week when I bought 3 pairs of size 5 navy shorts off of you for my son's new school uniform I was super excited to be getting them for $6. I was NOT however super excited to see you charge me $10.95 to ship them. Really? $10.95 for 3 pairs of little boy shorts? Did you forget to take the lead pipes out of the pockets? Now I will take a tiny bit of blame for not paying attention to the shipping cost but never have I paid that much for shipping so I just did not think to pay attention. Imagine my further surprise when I found out that you were NOT shipping from Europe which could have been the ONLY reason for such a high cost. I also find it amusing that when I called you out on it you refunded my money without further discussion. Chicken.
My feedback is higher than yours,
Cammie

Dear Chipolte,
Oh how I love your Mexican goodness. You rice is always perfected with just enough lime and cilantro, your chips just enough salt...but better than that is your sour cream. No other Mexican restaurant can perfect your sour cream which has a constancy like no other. How DO you make your sour cream that it does not just plop in the middle of my chicken fajita bowl but oozes off of the spoon to spread nicely across the top. I'm honestly not sure I want to know but I thank you Chipotle and shall forever remain....
A Loyal Customer

Dear Nintendo,
I love my Wii. I love that I can download old school games such as Super Mario Brothers and Punch-Out onto my Wii console. In fact I love it so much I may end up sending you the bill when I get carpal tunnel. Please....for the love of all that is holy.....give me Super Pitfall!! That is WAY cooler than some of the random crap that I can find. I promise to still feed my children if you give me Super Pitfall.
Yours until my hands go numb,
Cammie

Dearest Mallory,
Mommy loves you so very much. I'm not a huge fan of sharing my bed with you for half of the night. Let's be honest....most of the time I'm not even fond of sharing it with your daddy. I realize that I am SO lucky that you were night potty trained within weeks of being day trained but did you REALLY have to choose my bed for your first accident? That was your gimme. Do it again and we may have to press the issue of you sleeping in YOUR bed. Trust me, I look forward to that battle less than you do.
Love,
Mommy

Dear Punk Ass Kid In Swim Class,
So I hear from your big brother who was sitting next to me that you got kicked out of pre-school. LE GASP!! Really??? With such behavior such as spitting water in kids faces I would never have guessed. You really are a cute kid but I'm going to need you to stay away from my kid. And yes he IS that gullible that when you told him your name was scarface last night he proceeded to call you that throughout the class.
Don't Make Me Drown You,
Pierce's Mommy

Dear Rambler,
I told you so.
Cammie Cullen

And Finally... To My Darling Husband,
I survived the week with you out of town. Barely. I hate when you leave and I sleep like crap just WAITING for someone to come and kill me. It did not help that the damn cat would "knock" on the door in the middle of the night. You get home tonight. My scrapbook stuff is packed and by the door. Don't call.
With All My Love,
Your Wife.

Mallory vs. The Toy

Yesterday I came home to quite a circus of drama. I could hear the screaming as soon as I got out of the car. There is nothing quite like coming home from work to total and complete chaos is there?

So picture it with me. I open the door and step in the house. Mallory is sitting on the chair screaming her face off. A toy hamster is stuck to the side of her head

This toy was bought at a Cracker Barrel on the way home from DC when we realized that we pretty much had nothing for her as a present. It is a stupid hamster that runs around in a ball, or you can take it out of the ball and let it go. The kids named it Rhino after the hamster in the movie Bolt.

Apparently Mallory decided to see what happened if she stuck it to the side of her head. Good thing she has pretty to fall back on right? By the time I entered the shit storm Joe had taken the hamster part off and all that was left stuck to her head was the battery pack that also contained the wheels. And she was freaking out. She begins to scream at me that she "got Rhino stuck on her head" and Pierce (always extremely helpful in these situations) was telling her things like "I wonder if it will stay there forever" and "we are gonna have to cut it out"

Well, big brother was right in this case. We did have to cut it out. You would have thought someone was coming to steal a kidney the way she acted. Joe had to hold her down while I got as close to her scalp as I could and did not poke her eye out.

Now one would think that after the evil toy was no longer attached to her head and mommy hugs and kisses were given that all would be well with the world yes? No. I have mentioned my daughter's temper tantrums before. Last night was no exception. She proceeded to go into the toy room, throw her self on the floor and freak out like she was on fire. Every now and then I would hear her throw a toy or kick something. I generally just let her go when she does this but she really needed to get settled and eat dinner. I asked her if she wants to call Maw Maw and tell her about what happened. She screamed at me NO. Helpy McHelperson chimes in with "I DO" Sigh

Thankfully you cannot tell where I had to cut the hair out. For your viewing pleasure.....

Final Score- Evil Hamster Toy:1 Mallory:0

3 years ago today.........

Not Me Monday

Happy Monday!! All over the bloggy world people are happily posting their NOT ME MONDAY's to say how happy their are that STELLAN is HOME with his family!! Finally on the right combo of meds to keep his little heart working until he is old enough for another surgery! Head over to MckMama's blog if you are one of the last 5 people on earth who don't know who Stellan and MckMama are.

Sooooo, last week was kind of boring actually.....not a lot of things to NOT tell you about. hmmmm.

I did NOT deal with Mallory's temper tantrums at least 5 times last week. Each time I did NOT have to close windows in fear that the neighbors would hear and call children's services. I do NOT play that conversation in my head over and over....."no Ms Social Work Person, I have NOT been beating my daughter.....trust me, I have realllllllly wanted to but this performance is 100% ass beating free"

I did NOT go to the gym 3 times last week.....this did NOT make me happy because I am NOT serious about losing weight......I do NOT have a little over a month to drop some lbs before our trip to DC

Speaking of DC.....The fam did NOT head out to the airforce base in Dayton so Joe could get fit for a "mess dress" uniform which apparently is the military's version of a tux--which he will NOT be wearing when he accepts the awesome award that he won.
Why did the entire fam go on a trip to buy a uniform? Because I do NOT get excited to shop at the class 6 liquor store with cheap wine and no tax. Not one bit.
And finally.....to start my new week off on the right foot.....I did NOT snap THIS picture on my way in this morning....


I did NOT at all fear that they would dive bomb me on my way into the office.

A Pierce Funny

So funny that yesterday I posted about Mallory's dramatic temper tantrums. Well she delivered another one this morning.....one that had me close the windows in fear that the neighbors would call child services thinking she was being murdered. It lasted a good 20 minutes where I just kind of ignored her and eventually it was over.

So, my hands are full, Pierce, Mallory and I are heading downstairs to leave for the day when I realized that Mallory's shoes were (for some reason) next to my bed. I asked Pierce if he would please go find them for me since I had other stuff in my hands and off he went to grab them. As soon as he catches up to us (and I should have known better) her majesty says "NO, I want to find them!!!!!!!"

Pierce looks in total annoyance at his sister. Drops them right there on the floor in the hallway and said...."There.....find them."

And walked away.

Temper Tantrums 101

My daughter will be three soon. I am learning that one thing that is worse than a 2 year old little girl is a 3 year old little girl. I say GIRL because Pierce only minored in toddler attitude while Mallory is working on her masters.

Don't get me wrong....Pierce had his moments....still does....but I realizing that the drama that comes with raising a daughter is WAY different than raising a son.

Pierce was never one to throw actual temper tantrums. He would get mad and cry but he never really did the whole throw yourself on the ground and act like you are being set on fire. I got off pretty easy with him. Yeah, that was lucky for me....but at the same time it did not prepare me for what was to come.

Mallory is an ENTIRE different breed of child than her brother. She may be small but she is mighty. One of the blogs that I read (darnit, I know you are here but I cannot remember who it was) mentioned yesterday the art of going boneless (Kristina, this definition is for you)....you know....when a child is so pissed off that when you try and pick them up and move them they go entirely limp usually causing them to slip out of your hands and back onto the floor. This cracked me up because Mallory could write a book on how to do this. Another of my toddler favorites is when they are so pissed of about something that when you try and put them in their car seat and they don't want to leave the park/the zoo/grandma's house that they do the OPPOSITE of going boneless which is what I like to call the 2 by 4. As in imagine trying to make a 2 by 4 sit properly in a car seat to strap them in. This also kind of resembles someone who looks like they are in need of an exorcism.

Mallory's temper tantrums are usually worthy of a Grammy. Now, princess is not going to THROW herself on the floor.....she is not dumb....she does not want to get hurt. While most kids crumble to the floor like they have been shot MY kid will gracefully lay down and THEN proceed to freak out. For up to 30 minutes. I have found that they ONLY thing to do when she gets like this....is walk away. Sometimes I will put her in her room and close the door. She knows that once she is done throwing her fit, when she is ready, she can come out. Every few minutes I will ask her......"Sissy, are you done?" and she will shriek NO and continue on. I walk away. The part that gets me is that when she IS done it is like a fricking light switch. She turns it off in a millisecond and will say....."I'm done" It is mind boggling.

While she is learning how to throw tantrums I am learning how to avoid them. I know what her triggers are for the most part. One thing that can surly get her panties twisted is me having done something that SHE wants to do....such as put her socks on, or open the cabinet to get something out. I must IMMEDIATELY put whatever it is BACK the way it was and let HER do it. I can tell you that this is SO fricking annoying....especially in the morning when I want to get them out the door. It is however way easier to pull the socks BACK off and let her do it then deal with "the performance" Ahhhh, independence. She has been known to CLOSE the cabinet door....take a few steps back and then walk back up to it and open it herself.....thus acting like she had done it all along.

I know that this drama is a phase and that eventually we will move into a new one.

I fear the teenage years.

Not Me Monday

Good morning! I hope that all had a fabulous Easter weekend! We were fairly busy and since I forgot to pay attention to what I did NOT do all last week this is likely to be uneventful. Please remember to keep MckMama and Stellan in your prayers, she is still with him in the hospital.

Here are some Easter NOT ME's

Sat night I did NOT threaten Mallory by telling her if she did not go to sleep that the Easter bunny would not come. Mallory has a tendancy to call for me at LEAST 3 times each night after I put her to bed. I would never threaten my baby in that way when she really just wants more snuggle time. NOT ME.

With thoughts of Easter eggs in her head Mallory did NOT go right to sleep without making me come up there 3 times.

I did NOT then think what other way that I could use such a ploy to get her to go to bed.

After the kids were all snug in there beds Joe and I did NOT go through the candy from that day's hunt and put some of it in their baskets.

Easter morning we were NOT woken up by Pierce flying into our bedroom freaking out because the power had just gone out. Surely this would NOT happen on yet ANOTHER holiday. We did NOT have to pack up all of our stuff for the day and head to my mom's early to shower there.

I did NOT have 2 of the cutest kids EVER dressed up looking super innocent.

In her beautiful dress, tights and her hair all pretty Mallory did NOT spend most of the day jumping on a trampoline with the boys.

My kids did NOT go flipping mad crazy over the egg hunt and get 35 more eggs filled with candy. Each. Joe and I will NOT be hiding most of it to avoid cavities.

Happy Monday!!

PS....I am NOT ready to kill blogger because I cant get my paragraphs to format. STOOOOPID blogger.....

Wordless Wednesday

Yo Gabba Gabba.....reason #421 why I drink

For those of you out there that may not have the JOY that is Yo Gabba Gabba in your life......let me ruin that for you now.

Now that I have burned your retinas let me tell you all about this train wreck. This boys and girls is Yo Gabba Gabba.

Every day D.J Lance (the freak show in the skin tight orange jumpsuit) brings his little friends in their radio case to play. He pulls them out and they come alive to teach all the children about eating healthy, being nice to others and how to be safe. Seems innocent right? Well, I am a firm believer that if you slowed the dialog down or even played it backwards that they would be telling the children to do drugs and put the cat in the microwave. They are just THAT freaky.

Let me introduce them.

On the far left we have Muno. He is the one that looks kind of like a sex toy with arms. He tends to act like an asshole and needs to learn manners from the others.

Next to him is Fufa. Like FUPA with an F. And if you don't know what FUPA stands for I am not going to tell you. She is so happy and cheerful that I want to kick her in the face.

Plex is the yellow robot and is the only one that I DON'T want to kick in the face actually.

Broby is the "little green one". He seems to always be the one that needs some sort of guidance

Finally we have Tootie "She likes to have fun" oooooookay.

Throw in a random music act for the super music friend show, Biz Markee who teaches my children how to beat box, and a random C list celebrity to show them a "dancy dance" and you have Yo Gabba Gabba

I remember the day that the Gabba's came into our life. As I stared in horror my children were mesmerized by what could only be described as the Teletubbies on crack. Broby (the green one...are you paying attention?) only ate the pancakes and bacon off of his plate (which we got to see singing and dancing in Broby's stomach) and left behind the fresh fruit....what happened next I have tried to block from my memory but I just cant--folks the fresh fruit CRIED because they were left behind and did not get to go to "the party in the tummy"

While Pierce and Mallory watched I sat in terror because I knew....I just KNEW that they were to become permanent fixtures in our life. This was at least a year ago. I have 18 episodes in my DVR because you just never know which one Mallory will want to be watching that day.

I long for the days of Blue's Clues and Dora........Yo Gabba Gabba makes me want to cut myself.

An Oldie But Goodie.....

I was remembering this craptastic night the other day for some reason and went digging through the archives of the kids site to find it. It never fails that whenever Joe goes out of town, my life is going to suck until he returns. never. fails. This is a first class example.....from June 26th, 2008

So last night ranked pretty high up on the "really crappy parenting nights" list. First off, last night was Joe's last night out of town for work. We saved up ALL the drama for this last night. Around 1130 I woke up and thought I heard our home alarm going off. Turns out it was the tornado sirens (I guess this IS better then home invasion). Pierce comes flying into my room literally shaking he is so scared. There is nothing going on outside so I'm not really sure at this point why the sirens are going off so I turn the TV on. Oh. THAT is why they are going off. The entire county is all sorts of shades of red, pink, purple on the radar. The excitement on the faces of my local weathermen (really? both of them are in?) lead me to believe things were about to get really crappy.

By now Mallory is also awake but so far no drama. I told Pierce I was going to run downstairs really quickly and get a flashlight on the off chance our power goes out and I will be right back. 30 seconds later with 2 kids stuck up my butt I get downstairs and can't find one. Call Joe, scream about lack of flashlights in frustrations (yes, everything IS his fault when he is out of town) find a flashlight, head back upstairs. By now the storms are starting to roll in and with it Mallory's panic attack. I know that I tend to be dramatic but I kid you not when I say she screamed, and shook, and got all sweaty for the next 3 hours non stop. It. Was. Awful. She would start to fall asleep (still moaning) and then those damn sirens would kick up again (yes, they kept going off thanks to the lightning, super) and she would start all over. Pierce told her at one point to be quiet because he was trying to watch the weather.

Joe called about an hour in "sorry honey, can't talk, cant hear you over screaming" We probably should have been in the basement but since our (chipper) weathermen said there was not *really* a tornado but more like the chance of one I decided to take my chances upstairs. You can mail my "mother of the year award" anytime.

3 hours later things settle down and we fall asleep (sort of, kids on top of me all sweaty, Mallory still shaking). I wake up at 7...coincidentally the same time I am due to be at work, call to say I will be late, and take 2 super cranky sleep deprived children to school. Upon leaving my house this morning a spider that had to have been missing from our local zoo ran across my garage floor scaring the crap out of both me and pierce…….he is hiding under my van (the spider, not pierce) and I'm wearing flip flops. Fun to watch me put kids in the car seat knowing that he was there. Waiting.

While leaving daycare I can hear Mallory screaming for me all way down the hall and out the door. Head right to Tim Horton's for coffee, call my mom only to hear that she "slept through it all" (thanks mom) and get to work where I sit now trying very hard to stay awake.

Joe comes home tonight and I will be going directly to bed

Ahhhh. That was a really really shitty night. I'm hoping that Mallory's fear of thunder storms is over now that spring is coming.

An interview with mommy. By Pierce (5) and Mallory (2.5)

I had to do this one........

What is something mommy always says to you?
Pierce-Listen
Mallory-Minnie Mouse

2. What makes mom happy?
Pierce-When people listen
Mallory-Minnie Mouse

3. What makes mom sad?
Pierce-When people don't listen (I'm seeing a theme here)
Mallory-rain

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
Pierce-tickling
Mallory-uuuummmmm

5. What was your mom like as a child?
Pierce-Happy and Little
Mallory-a baby

6. How old is your mom?
Pierce-17 (sigh, underage drinking AGAIN)
Mallory-3

7. How tall is your mom?
Pierce-15 feet
Mallory-um 6 (I'm sorry kids but you have both overbid....Mommy is only 5.1)

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
Pierce-go on vacation
Mallory-dishes

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
Pierce-go to work
Mallory-round and round and round and round (this is about where I lost her attention....clearly)
10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
Pierce-I don't know (thanks bud)
Mallory-Mickey Mouse

11. What is your mom really good at?
Pierce-scrapbooking
Mallory-dishes

12. What is your mom not very good at?
Pierce-cooking (yeah I got nothing......he is right)
Mallory-spiders

13. What does your mom do for a job?
Pierce-work on the phone
Mallory-dishes

14.What is your mom's favorite food?
Pierce-asparagus (eh, at least he did not say wine)
Mallory-carrots (not even close)

15.What makes you proud of your mom?
Pierce-giving hugs and kisses
Mallory-ummmmm

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
Pierce-Minnie Mouse
Mallory-Minnie Mouse

17. What do you and your mom do together?"
Pierce-go to the movies
Mallory-color

18. How are you and your mom the same?
Pierce-our skin
Mallory *makes strange noise that I don't understand*

19. How are you and your mom different?
Pierce-we don't have the same clothes
Mallory-*another weird noise*

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
Pierce-hugs and kisses
Mallory (shouting) I love you whole wide world

21. What does your mom like most about your dad?
Pierce-when you got married last year (um, try 6 years ago)
Mallory-flowers

22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
Pierce-to the movie theater
Mallory-to Mickey's house

Kids were not on their game with this one. I expected much more randomness.

Speaking of the kids and all things Mickey.....we took them to Disney on Ice last Thursday night. To say they had fun is an understatement. I thought PIERCE would be the one needing a change of close he was THAT excited. I have not put the pics up yet so here is a visual....

*tons of kids everywhere....most dressed like some sort of Disney princess
*tons of kids annoying their parents with their $20 spinny things that light up
*tons of kids completely flipping their shit each time a new character came out
*tons of kids melting down on their way out of the arena because it is past most bedtimes

It really was awesome and made me even that much more excited about our trip this fall. It will be their 2nd time and Pierce remembers our first trip but Mallory will be really into it this time.

My Parenting Skillllzzzzz

I know that it may be a hard concept to stomach but I truly am deserving of an award for Mother of the Year. At the very least a nomination.

Just a few of the tools that I use in raising my children…..

Negotiation -Children cannot truly develop without learning the art of negotiation. It is important in their adult life so they may as well learn it at an early age. Who’s to say that M&Ms for crapping the potty cannot someday translate to $$ for the crap you will produce in your career?

Learning to respect authority: For instance the following conversation with Pierce
"Why do you always get to tell me what to do"
"Because I'm the boss"
"Who do I get to be the boss of?"
"sorry bud, you don't get to be the boss of anyone"
"Can I be the boss of Mallory?"
"No" "Can I be the boss of the dogs?"
"No bud, Scarlet bites remember....she is the boss"
"Well, I cannot wait until I grow up so I can be the boss of myself"

The Art of persuasion—Mallory is WAY better at this then her brother—one day as we were on the couch with her up my ass snuggling….
"I want my milk"

"It's right there, go get it"

"I want Pierce to get it" (I wan Piewce did it)

"Pierce is not going to go get it Mallory, it is RIGHT there, get it yourself"

"I want Pierce to get it"

"No"

And then…..Pierce all exasperated gets up, sighs very loudly walks over to get the milk, shoves it in her direction and says "HERE Mallory" and sits back down. To which Mallory says..."thank you Pierce" (tank you Piewce")

Family togetherness.-There is more bed hopping in my house then in a brothel. Most nights Mallory is in bed with us by midnight because quite frankly….I'm a bitch if I don’t get enough sleep and I don’t have the energy to fight with her in the middle of the night. However, because I am getting to the point where I am over this…..her new big girl bed MIGHT have to come with straps

These are just a few things that I practice daily with my children. After all, they ARE the future of our world.

PS----if you need a kozy pal cart cover.....and trust me you DO then click HERE. She is having a 50% off sale just today!!!! Im getting ready to order one for a gift today with my gift certificate I won last month! Makes a great gift!! I never went anywhere with mine without getting asked about it.

Good morning class. Today we are going to talk about poop.

I am going to focus on 3 "beings" that live in my house where this topic is concerned but before I do that......

THIS is Pierce. I feel like he does not get enough attention on this blog and it is not because I like his sister more then him but more because the kid is mostly so laid back that all he does is color and there is no way to make fun of that. True, he is the kid who respects sleep the least and gets up at dark o clock every day but other then that I've got nothing on him these days...I'm sure his time will come.

Now, back to poop. First up on my list of course is Mallory. Poor thing is such an easy target. Unless you are new to the House of No Sleep you know that I am in the throes of potty training hell. This is more a funny story then a complaint....I have tried everything to get this kid to poop on the potty. Yet every night she would continue to call me into her room 5 minutes after putting her to bed in a diaper because she has pooped in it. You see that little Disney widget up there in the corner.....this kid LIVES for Mickey Mouse. Last weekend I tell her....."we are NOT going to Mickey's house until you poop in the potty" Her response...."I don't want to go to Mickey's house, I want to stay home"

Fast forward to the next day. We lay down to take a nap (yes WE...they say to sleep when your baby sleeps not my fault she is almost 3) and she tells me she has to go potty. I take her into the bathroom, put her on the potty and by what could ONLY be a total accident she poops. Man if you could see the fuss I made....dancing around like a mad woman cheering her on. She can now see that the potty will NOT eat her if she poops in it so she goes to work another one out. This is where I wish I had a recording....because in the midst of grunting (and girlfriend was really working on this one) she says "ugghhhhImGoingToMickey'sHouseurrghhhh" okay, I cannot do this justice in words but let's just say that hearing her say that in the middle of "pushing" almost made ME shit myself.

Ever since then she is a pooping machine. The only thing is.....she wants me to "hold" her while she is doing it. As in, sit on a stool (haha, stool) next to her and hold her hands while she does her business. Really? Are we are on a date here? I wont complain though, we are one step closer to being DONE with diapers which then means more money to be spent on wine.

Next up. Stitch. The 4.5lb ball of terror. He is another one in my house who refuses to potty train. yeah, he almost a year and a half old. What kind of dumb ass dog cannot get it by then? Oh yeah....mine. He IS pretty good about going to the door to go outside to pee but for some reason....he prefers to take a big old crap every day in the same spot of my living room. Now, if he is smart enough to crap in the same place INSIDE why can he not be smart enough to do it in the same place OUTSIDE. The real problem here.......on REALLY special days he prefers to clean up after himself. As in EAT it. Yum. With the SAME mouth he tries to kiss my family with. Needless to say we don't like to make out with this dog as much as we do with Scarlet.

Finally on my "shit list" is Joe. Since he does not read my blog I am free to talk about him whenever and however I choose. Today I choose to ask......."What the HELL are you doing in there?????" After 6.5 years of marriage you would think that I would have solved this mystery. Get in and get out is my motto......Joe on the other hand takes the paper and I don't see him for 20 minutes. How is this fair? Most days I cannot go to the bathroom without a 2 year old on my lap.

If he DID read this blog my word of advice to him would be......."If you want to spend that long in the bathroom, try cleaning it for me. Nothing turns me on more than when you clean"

Sucks to be HER daddy.....

Oh my. I fear that Joe we are going to have our hands full with this hot mess. Let me preface this story by saying that I did not grow up living with my father. My parents divorced when I was about 2 and I never had to deal with the drama of a dad sitting your boyfriend down and having the "be good to my daughter or I will kill you" chat. In fact my dad did not even live in the same state so I could have been dating Charles Manson and not only would he have not known but there was not much he could do about it.

Fast forward 20 years and I have given birth to myself. Joe just told me a few days ago that our daughter is just like me. No patience, demanding and mouthy. In other words, she is perfect.

Imagine his horror when Mallory decided that her new favorite thing to do this week is take her pants off and shake her butt. Not only does she enjoy doing this but she enjoys TELLING you she is doing this. She also prefers to do it to her daddy.....as in "hey daddy, watch, I'm shaking my my butt"

I wish I could get this on video but I am not interested in getting arrested so you will just have to use your imagination here. Imagine 23 pounds of little girl bending her knees and looking like she is doing the chicken dance.

Joe tries so hard not to laugh but you really can't help it it is just THAT funny. Last night may have been the best rendition of dance party USA yet. On our way up to bed (she already has no pants on because we have to put a pull up on her for bedtime and they are in her room) our little Pussy Cat Doll stopped, put her hands on the wall shook her butt in the direction of her daddy and said "Look daddy.....I'm shakin my butt" That's right baby girl. Drop it like it's hot.

I try to make fun of him be helpful in situations that stress my husband out so I just said "aww, look honey.....just like her mommy was doing at that bar in Philly over the weekend.....only I had my pants on"

I fear for her future boyfriends.

A letter to my brother.....by Mallory age 2.5..dictated by Mommy

Dear Pierce,

I have some things that I would like to talk to you about.

First off, we need to get something straight here. I.....am.....the.....BABY. What I am realizing that means is that 9 times out of 10, I'm gonna get my way. Mommy says that is not a good thing but really....I can tell most times she is way to tired to fight with me. Is she making a monster out of me? Probably. In fact.....She keeps saying that a long time ago there was ANOTHER baby that got her way a lot. We call her Aunt Lee Lee. Yeah, that did not work out so well for our Maw Maw.

So, now that you know that I am the boss let's lay some ground rules. Your toys? You will share them with me. And by share I mean give them to me when I ask for them. Even if my way of asking is screaming in your face to GIVEITTOME. Trust me....in the end it will be easier to just give them to me rather then listen to me scream. I am loud.

Also.....your room....you know the one with the cool bed that has a slide.....let's talk about this. I sleep in what may as well be called a cage....yeah I know, they call it a crib but really it is just a mini jail cell. So, since you have the cool bed with the slide I am going to come in your room when I want to so that I can play on it.

Speaking of sleeping arrangements. I'm not sure you even know this (and I'm not sure why I'm telling you) but most of the night I sleep with mommy and daddy. Yeah, I start out in that mini jail cell but usually around midnight when you are fast asleep I make up and flip the heck out so mommy will come get me. Since she is too tired to listen to me scream all night I get to sleep with them. I kind of think it is funny that you have not caught on to this despite the fact that I am in their bed every morning when you come in.

My name is MALLORY. It has 3 syllables. It is not MAAALLLLOOOORRRYYYYYYYYYYYY which is what you are usually screaming at me. You can also call me princess.

When I want to play with you....you will play with me. Immediately. If you don't we are right back to that screaming.

I know that I have what is probably an unhealthy obsession with Mickey Mouse. He is my BFF. This means that we WILL watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse when I want to. None of this Transformers crap. I know we have seen these episodes over and over but I don't care.

You are my big brother and I love you very very much. Keep these things in mind and we will get a long just fine.

edited by mommy...I would like you all to know that I in no way support the rotten behavior of this child.....I do my best to try and raise her NOT to be a brat. Baby steps. Stay tuned later this week when Pierce writes his response to his sister

Today's blog post is brought to you by the letter.....

I saw this meme over on Danielle's blog. I thought it was cute and I wanted to play so I asked her to give me a letter. She gave me the letter D and now I have to make a list of 10 things I like that start with the letter D. Funny because I'm actually having an easier time thinking of things I DON'T like that start with D (dieting) but for once I will play by the rules.

1) Disney. All things Disney. From the Disney channel that allows me to use the bathroom alone to Disney World which is pretty much my favorite place ever.

2)Dates. With Joe of course. We don't get NEARLY enough of these and anytime I have alone with my husband is wonderful

3)Drinking. Not drinking like going out and throwing back shots of tequila, falling down and then waking up with a tongue that feels coated with fur (ahhh the good old days) but having a glass of wine is my favorite way to chill after putting the kids to bed.

4) Daughter. My sweet little punkin who has my spunk, attitude, and temper all wrapped into 23lbs of tasty good toddler. I love her brother as well but I did not get the letter S for son.

5)Dollars. As in "Honey, can I please have $50 to go shopping?" Which also usually leads to DENIED

6)Day Care. Speaking of my kids that I love more then life....I'm so very glad that they go to DAY CARE. I have nothing but respect for stay at home mom's....your job is WAY harder then mine....but no way could I do it. See #3 because I would have to do that a LOT more.

7)Diamonds. They ARE a girl's best friend. Too bad we lack enough of #5 for me to have more of #7....sigh, back to #3

8)Diary. Or as I like to call it....BLOG. I have had much fun doing this in the last few months. It is fun to have a place to be totally random, make fun of myself or or of others.

9)Dancing. Not so much myself anymore (maybe when I engage in #3) but watching my kids dance. Mallory has really been into shaking her booty lately (thank GOD because she does need to pay for college eventually) and it is so cute to see her dance around to whatever annoying Noggin song is on TV.

10) Drawde. This simply is Edward spelled backwards. And I like him all ways, forward, backward, sideways....mmmm......this sounds kinky....I better stop now.

If you want to play let me know and I will give you a letter! I can't email from work but I will just leave you a comment on your blog.