Dear So and So

I almost forgot that it was the day to send out my hate mail love notes to all who have blessed me this past week. If you want to play along head on over to Kat's place and link up.

Dear Kat,

I heart you, I heart your blog. But I hate you just a tiny bit right now for being too busy to blog because you are "roaming the English countryside" rub it in why don't you,
Love, Jealous in Ohio

Dear Joe,
I don't feel good today and I'm trying to keep this in mind when I find myself being annoyed at you calling me 18 times today while trying to get stuff ready to leave after work. Really though, you needed my advice on a swim suit for Pierce? You are there, I am at work, make a decision and move on

Love, your cranky wife

Dear Sister In Law,
Thanks for pissing Joe off on father's day. You pissed off one sister on Halloween so I am guessing that 4th of July goes to the last sister. For what it's worth, Joe does not get THAT angry all that often and you made him wreck the car in the garage pissed and that takes a lot.
Hating Drama That I Do Not Cause, Cammie

Dear Kallie the Cat,
I love that you have started to sleep with us. I'm not sure you realize just how lucky you are that Scarlet allows this. However, if you continue to kneed my stomach for 20 minutes to make what is already squishy fit your comfort needs I will send you down to Florida to make friends with the serial cat killer.

Love, Mommy

My Darling Mallory,
I know you are scared of thunder storms but I promise they will NOT kill you. Kindly remove yourself from my ass

Love, Mommy

Dear Michael Jackson,
While you did get a bit strange over the years, I will always remember that Thriller was the first video I ever saw on MTV. You are an icon of my childhood and your death will be the Elvis of my generation

Rest In Piece, Cammie

Dear HTML,
Typing you out gets on my nerves. which explains the lack of consistency between paragraphs on this post. This is me not caring.
Love Cammie

Random Messages to Random People

My friend Kat over at Three Bedroom Bungalow has started a fun new topic for venting out to all of the people/things that are pushing your buttons. Since I tend to find venting SUPER therapeutic I figure I will play along.

Dear Joe,
You have been out of town this week and I have really missed you. Even though it IS a work trip and not a vacation you still have not had to wipe anyone's ass but your own. Incidentally...when you told me that you were stopping in Chicago to visit your buddy ON THE WAY home from ST LOUIS and spending the night I did not pay much attention to the geography of said locations. Guess what, you are busted. When you get home tomorrow I am clocking out.

Love, Your Tired Wife

Dear Yorkie,
You are over a year old now. If you do not stop crapping in the house 5 minutes after I let you inside I just may kill you. One more thing--when you eat all of the little bone pieces out of your food and leave the square pieces and whine until I fill your already full bowl up so you can pick out more little bone pieces....that gets on my nerves. You are just as bad as the kids.

Love, Mommy

Dear Cat #1,
Cleaning up your hair balls every day is getting tiresome. Kudos though for having just enough aim to throw up all over Pierce's flip flop. I'm sure that took talent

Love, Mommy

Dear Mallory,
I don't think you or your bother will EVER know how much I love you both. However, when I tuck you into bed smelling so clean from your bath, kiss you goodnight and close your door Mommy does not want to see you again until much later. Imagine how I soiled my pantieshow high I jumped last night when about an hour after I put you to bed you started screaming like someone had set your bed on fire. Oh my poor sweet princess....did your stupid ass "moon in my room" that I wish Santa never broughtprecious LUNA turn off? Like it does EVERY NIGHT? What a crisis. I know this must be horrible for you but please don't scream like that again or I will throw Luna out your window

Love, your incontinent Mommy

Dear Pierce,
Mommy's sweet boy. You are getting so big and so so smart. It appears that yesterday you learned something about weather. When you looked at me like I was the biggest idiot you knowthis morning and told me that "The sound of thunder is NOT Jesus bowling in Heaven Mommy, it is ACTUALLY the sound of 2 clouds hitting each other" I was so proud of you, and just a little sad that you are getting too smart to be lied to.

Love, Mommy

Dear Weather On My Drive in This Morning,
SUCK IT!! I don't enjoy dodging lightning bolts. I also don't enjoy seeing my kids FAH-Reak out like we are going to die any second (although I did kind of enjoy watching Mallory try and pick her cup up with her elbows while her hands were over hear ears)Please move on by tomorrow....I have a outdoor appointment with a photographer for the kids tomorrow and I don't want to cancel it.

Cammie

Someone piss in your Wheaties this morning? Want to play along? Go visit Kat and LINK UP!!

A Letter To My Children....#2

Dear Pierce and Mallory,

It is time for mommy to have another talk with you. A few months ago we had a talk about your morning habits. This time I would like to chat about dinner time. You know....the time of day where mommy serves you the meal that she daddy spent hours preparing for you. Oh WAIT a second....that is not what happens at all.

Let me try again.

Dinner time. You know....the time of day where we fight about what you will or will not eat. Let me take some time to point out the things that you WILL eat.

pizza
chicken nuggets
peanut butter and jelly
white rice
"sketti-o's"
lunch meat
peas
yogurt

lather. rinse. repeat.

Now a few things that mommy has suggested for dinner that were not acceptable in your eyes.

Chicken and noodles over mashed potatoes....mind you this is the ONE thing that Mommy knows how to make and make darn well. Please do not look at it like I just served you dead rats on a platter.

Tacos. Mexican is mommy's favorite. Apparently it is not yours Pierce because you ran from me like they were loaded with poison darts just waiting to take you down.

Remember when Mommy made vegetable soup in the crock pot? Even daddy had to agree that is was good. I was so excited for the two of you to try it. Mallory, you took one look at it and told me you were "all done". Pierce, you at least tried it....after spooning it up and letting it fall back into the bowl a few times....you were not impressed to say the least.

It is not one of mommy's favorite times of day. The 2 of you will stare at me with utter confusion in your eyes when I say to you "we are going to try something new tonight" and immediately protest that you "don't like it" before I even tell you what it is. I can assure you that I am not trying to poison you..... ground up sleeping pills is NOT poison after all because sleep is an important part of a healthy lifestyle.

Those threats about the starving children of the world.....they fall on deaf ears.....it is not helpful when you suggest to me that I "mail your dinner to them"

One final thing about dinner time.....when you declare to me that you are "all done" or "full" and I concede (after all, I am not mommy dearest) I expect that to mean that you are all done. I don't want to have the following conversation

"I'm full" (the visual here is that there is still at least half of your dinner on the plate)
"okay"
"can I have a snack?"
"no, if you are still hungry than finish your dinner"

So please keep this conversation in mind. Tonight we may just go CRAZY and have something NUTS like pork chops. I promise you will make it through the trauma.

Love,
Mommy

A letter to my children

My dearest children,

I know that you find life to be SO exciting that you just cant wait to begin another day. Mommy finds that so exhausting wonderful. I do however have a demand request of you.....

Pierce---mommy's sweet boy. I have known you now for 5 years. Trust me when I say that I KNOW you want a cracktart poptart, I KNOW you want dinosaur oatmeal, and I KNOW you want some juice and that the juice goes in first and THEN the water. I also know that you will want your THIRD breakfast sometime before 9am. That is what happens when you get up at dark o clock....you need 3 breakfasts. Speaking of time Pierce....last night when mommy told you not to come into my room until your clock said 6 on it. I meant 6:00, not 5:06. I understand that I may need to make that a little more clear tonight.

Mallory--- my baby. Seeing as you spend a majority of your night hogging my bed sleeping with daddy and I, Im not really sure why you feel the need to get up at dark o clock to spend even more time with us. Since you are up though....yes I will get you some milk and I will try my best to get it in the amount of time that you feel is acceptable. I will also do my very best to get Mickey Mouse on the TV as quickly as I can because as a child of the TIVO generation you know that you can demand that your BFF be on TV anytime you want it.

One more thing about being awake this early....I know I said we are going to see Santa today but guess what kids....Santa does NOT get up at dark o clock. So you are going to have to try this neat thing called PATIENCE. During this time of patience mommy is going to have some tea, and a shower. The BEST part of today is....after seeing Santa we get to go right to a birthday party which means any chance of mommy getting to score a nap today are pretty much shot to hell. You guys enjoy that nap in the car though...I will try not to fall asleep at the wheel.

Remember....Mommy loves you. Let's do this again tomorrow.