How my 4 year old got crabs

Last week at dance class Mallory got crabs.

This conversation may be less funny in say 12 years but last week it was pretty funny. Every week after dance if the girls are good they get stamps on their hands. Last week while I enjoyed 60 minutes of uninterrupted kindle time payed close attention to my little ballerina she did an excellent job.

She came running out of class with a smile on her face and announced......Mommy, I got crabs!!! Instantly another little girl proclaimed "I got crabs too!!!!" Mallory then announced as loud as could be....."We ALL got crabs in dance class"

Sure enough, on each little hand was a big old smily crab stamp. While the moms in the lobby tried not to die laughing the little girls girls just smiled away about the crabs they got in dance class.

Pickles are the New Goose

So I was assaulted by a jar of pickles yesterday. No, really. I'm still not sure how it happened but as I was leaned all the way down getting something out of the crisper drawer for the kids

I all of the sudden saw little stars and birds floating around. That shit is really true! After the fog cleared and I looked down I realized that I had just been nailed in the back of my head by a 32 oz jar of pickles It had fallen directly on my head from the top shelf. About 3 feet. Exhibit A showing the size of the jar in comparison with a bottle of vicodin

Due to my insane bawling the kids started to freak out which made my skull throb. I just wanted (for the love of all that is holy) for them to be quiet long enough for me to decide if 1) I was going to pass out, and 2) if I were bleeding from the brain. Neither seemed to be the case so I sent Joe (who was in class) a few texts about how I was just clobbered by a pickle jar. In true man form he was all, "Man that sucks" not "Hey do you need me to leave and come home" But whatever.

I managed to survive the rest of the evening with a throbbing headache like none I have ever experienced. Hindsight I probably should have NOT gone to bed but I did at least ask him to poke me a few times in the middle of the night and make sure I was not dead. I stayed home today, still feeling kind of dizzy and just off. Plus I was not quite ready to face my co workers knowing that they would all soon know that on top of geese I also apparently am on the pickles death list

I ended up going to urgent care today because the headache and "weird" feeling that I cant so much describe would not go away. I sat across from the intake girl and when she asked why I was there responded with "I was attacked by a jar of pickles" She stared. I stared. And when she realized that I was not kidding she began making notes

I underwrite health insurance. A perk of this job is getting to read all of the random shit that people tell their doctors. When you tell your Dr that your marriage is in trouble because of your addiction to hookers or that you just cant seem to shake the vaginal itching they write that shit down verbatim. Forever in my medical records it now says "hit on the head by a jar of pickles.

Diagnosis? Concussion. For realz. Treatment? Nada. There is not a thing to be done about concussions other than don't sleep more than 4 hours at a time without being pestered and don't drink. Both which I have already failed to comply with. Don't judge, the wine helps with the headache.

So adding to the list of things I hate with a raging passion (geese, sold out NKOTB cruises and Snookie) I officially add pickles. And yes I forgive you for laughing because truly....who is NOT going to laugh at a chick who gets a concussion from a pickle jar. I would.

I ♥ Faces Beach Fun Photo Challenge!

Anyone still out there, or am I lost to the blogging world forever? I do really want to make a return to the land of blogging. I have much to tell....how my love for NKOTB had me drive to and from Chicago in 24 hours.....how my still not sold house flooded while on vacation....another mommy's gone wild weekend with my besties...." That said, today I want to participate in this weeks I Heart Faces photo challenge. I wish I had the original but I cant find it darnit. I don't love the vignette but I do love the pic!

Oh how I wish I were at the beach right now!! This picture is from our 2009 vacation to Holden Beach, NC. Mallory was not a fan of the beach but so long as she stayed on the "dry sand" she was a happy girl. Please click over to I heart faces to see more awesome pics!

Selling a house.....kind of sucks

So not loving the process of selling my house. Don't get me wrong, I really REALLY want it to sell but the "showing" part of it is 76 shades of on my nerves.

This is how it works. The realtor people call me with only an hour or so of notice and ask to show. Usually this occurs while I am at work. I leave work, hence sucking up my personal time (of which I only get so many hours per year), run home, turn on all my lights, spray the house with febrize cooking smell shit to make it all home-y, turn on my super cool Wii aquarium, get my dogs and leave. People who don't have pets have it WAY easy when it comes to home selling. This is where the real fun begins. Since I have stalker tendencies and patience issues I like to circle my hood and wait until I see the people are actually IN my house. Then I place myself strategically at the bottom of my road so I can see what kind of people are looking at my house, but also so I know when they are gone and I can throw the dogs BACK inside and get back to work.

The other day it went something like this. I get home, do all of the above steps, and sit in my car with 2 dogs and wait. And wait. And wait. Usually they show up towards the beginning of their hour and are gone 10-15 minutes later. Not so much this time. As I wait I notice Pierce's DS in the car with me. SCORE. I start to play random Mario mini games.....did you know you can play poker on Super Mario Bros? THEN I notice that the old dude who's house I'm chilling out beside giving me the eyeball. Like he is nervous that the chick rocking the mini van with a poodle and a Yorkie might be a threat to the hood. I end up getting out and talking to him for a few minutes, explained my situation, and once he knew I was not casing the joint but that I OWNED the joint he was good to go. Get back in my car and the phone rings. Douche bag realtor running late, had to cancel. May as well have light a fire to my hour and a half of personal time.

Also fun was the 614-715 showing last night. Only because Mallory had not had a bath since Sunday and was starting to have a cloud ala Pig Pen from Snoopy following her around. Thankfully I have a close friend who lives by. I packed up kids and dogs and totally gave my daughter a bath at my friend's house. Speaking of the kids......they are pretty much over it too. They are tired of me making them keep their toy room spotless ALL the time, tired of me telling them not to get stuff out. The only thing they think is cool is looking for the "card" that the realtor leaves behind.

Sigh. Please send house selling vibes. The tax credit is over in like 8 days and I am running out of places to hide STUFF

D-Bag Mom Sends Adopted Kid Back To Russia

So I am sure most of you heard that some douche bag mother of the year sent her 8 year old adopted kid BACK to Russia, ALONE. Yeah, I get that she thought he was psychotic, and a danger to her family, but really? Just send him back with a note?"

So today I happen across a poll on CNN.com asking if adoptive parents should be permitted to return their kids. I was surprised that it was fairly close at something like 46% yes and 54% no. Really? I think this is total and complete crap. If I can't send my kids back to where THEY came from why should other parents be able to do so? And way to screw up international adoptions from Russia!

asshat

Have You Ever............

Tried to sell a house with 2 kids (not to mention 2 dogs and 2 cats) living in it? Yeah, well it is not easy. In fact it just plain sucks. We have so much shit STUFF. So much. So much stuff that when they are not watching I'm throwing away random happy meal toys, or small toys with pieces missing. The house is clean.....even the toy room, but the hard part is KEEPING it that way. Getting the kids to actually put their crap away when they get it out vs just leaving stuff all over the play room. Making beds every morning.....which makes me late for work! I've never really been one for making beds every morning to be honest. What is the point? We are just going to mess it up again with all that mad sex we have every single day

While I have been trying to organize and clean stuff Joe has been busting his butt doing the "manly stuff". Painting, putting in new faucets in the bathrooms (goodbye 1980's) shampooing the carpet, ect. He cusses an awful lot while doing home improvement (or putting things together that require one of those little wrench things). He is also guaranteed to say each of the following phrases...."Sonofabitch" and "This doesn't make any sense"

We have had 3 showings this first week it has been up. Today starts week 2. I'm trying very hard not to be excited about the house we want to build and where we want to build it because until we sell our house we cant do anything. I'm not one for patience. Shocker I know.

I just want it to sell and sell fast so I can go live in an apartment for 6 months with said 2 kids, 2 dogs and 2 cats. I mean who doesn't want to do THAT?

Wish us luck! Do I even have anyone left in bloggy land to WISH me luck? I know, I'm a slacker....

Horny Geese Suck

Not sure there is much else to say when you get an email from your place of employment that says the following

A goose is nesting near the pond path. There have been some reports that the goose’s mate is acting in an aggressive nature toward people walking on or near the path. Until further notice please do not walk on the pond path.

I refuse to be a victim

Hardwood Floors+Small Dogs=Awesome

Ahhhhh, order has somewhat been restored in The House of No Sleep. Well, as much order as there ever was I suppose. The fine workers from Lowe's left my house on Wed and from there began the process of putting the house back together. And with it, my sanity

3 days without TV for my kids was like poor Tiger going 3 days without sexting with some skank. And when the kids don't have TV to entertain him....they want Joe and I to do it. I kid I kid....I really do STUFF with them...I just love me some Phineus and Ferb when I want to say take a crap without a small child on my lap, or refill my wine glass.

But I digress.

Hardwood floors laminate with tiny bark-y dogs.....WICKED FUN

Gone are the days when I have to interact with my husband and children for amusement. Now I find it in the form of a rawhide and a yorkie (I don't mess with Scarlet....she is my baby). I will spend HOURS upon HOURS of watching the yorkie slide across the floor in pursuit of whatever toy I have tossed. I feel like a need a point system....5 points if he hits a wall for example. When he goes running after the cats?? He is like poor Scooby running from a ghost....his feet are moving but it just takes him a good 10 seconds to get anywhere. It. Is. Awesome. I wish I had video to share but instead I will just show off the new floors!

you can see small bark-y dog down in the corner...little does he know the fun that will soon be had

PS--on a totally unrelated note....although I guess it does sort of have to do with DOGS....who can guess what Im buying this weekend? Who is with me?

The price of remodeling

Yeah, so I'm not talking about the monetary price although that was a bit rough too. I'm talking about the mental price! For the next 3 days my house will be in total chaos. More so than usual.

Joe and I spent the weekend moving our living room into the family room toy room. At first the kids thought it was cool to have random furniture piled up in their space but that did not last long. We also had to clean out 2 closets that have not seen the light of day since Betty White was a little girl.

The most fun though was watching poor Joe tear out the cabinet and sink in our downstairs bathroom. It cost him 2 trips to Lowes and almost a finger. Good times. I had the task of cleaning the dining room. See, we don't so much DINE in the dining room. We have a beautiful round table in there and we use it to store our STUFF. By stuff I mean anything we don't know what to do with. I cant even define STUFF because it was truly just a whole lot of random.

Most of the STUFF in the dining room was my scrapbook stuff. It was everywhere!! I was in dire need of some organization. So, I talked Joe into letting me claim a little corner of it for my "craft". It was SUPER pretty until we moved more crap into the dining room that overflowed from the toy room



The biggest crisis of the day though? No, it was not trying to throw random kid toys away while they were not looking (I was like a ninja), it was not finding missing neighborhood children under our couches(ew)....it was THIS

Look close class....do you see what that is? That is my wine rack and in front of it is a CHAIR and tons of other crap. Guess who forgot to pull out a bottle prior to it being blocked? Guess who sent her husband climbing through it all to pull me out a rescue bottle? NOW who's a ninja??

Come Wednesday though it will be all worth it. I will have beautiful new floors and will be able to spend my free time watching my dogs try to run on laminate hardwood. And when cats puke up smaller cats on my floor a quick wipe up will take care of it. Good times? Indeed

Please go visit my bloggy friend Jenny. She has opened up a new store (oh how I wish I could sew)and is having a give a way!

The Ultimate **** Blocker

Yeah, I can't so much use that word in the title of my blog post....but the story has to be told. The story of how a 10lb dog is the ultimate cock blocker

I have mentioned Scarlet before here. Told you how she is my first baby, how I've had her longer than I've had Joe. Well, he seems to forget that she tends to be a tad on the possessive side....and I don't mean of me.

Scarlet respects sleep as much as I do. Maybe even more though I don't see how that is possible. She spends most of the day sleeping in my basket of laundry....be it clean or dirty. Of course at night she sleeps with us. Has been in my bed for 13 years and let's face it.....that is the longest ANYONE has been in my bed.

The point of all of this is what occured on Saturday morning. My kids actually slept until 7 on Saturday. This is like a once every 6 month occurrence. Even better was that when the did get up they were receptive to the idea of putting a movie on in Pierce's room allowing us just a little more time to sleep in. Riddle me this.....what part of SLEEP IN means slide over and try to make out with me? Before I've even really opened my eyes. You know, that subtle pressing against you that is REALLY FREAKING ANNOYING??

Fast forward a few minutes. I still have not killed Joe.... and he this he assumes is the green light to get even friskier when really it just means I'm too lazy to even yell at him. Ahhhh, but the force field is in the way. And she is not ready to wake up yet and she is no where NEAR ready to be asked to move to the foot of the bed. Scarlet is all curled up between us and has no immediate plans to move.

Joe asks nicely...patting at the foot of the bed. She looks at him in disgust and closes her eyes again. He tries to play master and a little firmer tells her to move. She growls at him. He then decides to play with fire and pick her up. And almost loses a finger. Yeah, she snapped at him pretty good and I giggled while he muttered something about her being a cock blocker.

The end of this story did not turn out the way Joe had hoped. The moral? Extra sleep in time does NOT mean we are having the sexy time. It means I am going back to sleep and maybe if you are lucky you will get some later that night.

Maybe

oh how I want this!!!

It has been awhile since I have tried to win anything online. I'm going for this though because I have one meeeeeeelion things I could do with it!!

Check out Rebekah's blog both for the awesome giveaway and her story which never fails to amaze me!!!

Yeah, I cant so much post a picture of it because I'm working on a macbook now which I adore....but don't know how to use yet. It is a super cute insulated picnic tote personalized of course!! Perfect for camping!

How to get the $h!t scared out of you before even leaving the bed

The last few weeks have been pretty awesome in my bed. And not in a sexy time sort of way (come on people...I'm a LADY, I don't screw and tell). The past few weeks Joe and I have been successful in keeping Mallory in HER bed. After at least a year in our bed. She wakes up here and there and for the most part we have been very firm that she will stay in HER bed. Although the dog has taken her place....and the dogs bites if you touch her while she is sleeping...but that is another story

So this morning I hear the pitter patter of feet at about 6AM. Joe is in the shower, I'm just waking up. Her majesty climbs up in bed with me which is okay since it is time to get up. We have a snuggle and then she hops down to go get something out of her room. I can still hear Joe in the shower, I roll over to kind of chill for a few more minutes....stretch out.....and touch a hand

I seriously shrieked....almost flew to the ceiling, and was pretty close to needing to change the sheets

Seems as though Pierce had a nightmare in the middle of the night and showed up around 3AM. I think he was even awake just laying there and apparently picked this morning not to talk his face off the second he woke up. He of course thought it was funny....as did Joe who had just came back from the shower. My underwear and I....did not think it was as funny

Holy Crap

I better start kicking my blog up into high gear again because tomorrow I will be among celebrities!!! I honestly don't know if I am cool enough to roll with these girls but I will give it my best!!

Tomorrow I will be a featured blogger at Aiming Low who I came across from reading Barefoot Foodie These ladies are some awesome writers and never fail to make me laugh to the point of piddling. Just me that does that? um. never mind.

Anyways, tomorrow my infamous goose post will be featured! I'm excited and a little nervous to put myself out there in my current state of writers block.

One more thing before I sign this one off. My friend Amy has a sister (whom I also love) that is RIGHT NOW having brain surgery. Their OTHER sister Ryann is one of my BFF's Please keep Jil and her family in your thoughts and prayers. These ladies are awesome and I love them so much!!

WTF is with all the spam comments?

Is that my punishment for being a crappy blogger these last few months? Well spammers you can suck it because I'm turning on that word verification thingy. Yeah, that will learn them

The Tooth Fairy Can Kill You

Pierce has his first loose tooth. To say he is excited would be an understatement. He is insane excited. We discovered it a few days ago and I have probably wiggles it 100 times for him since.

A few things he has said to me since Sunday night.....

"I wonder what the tooth fairy will bring me in a few days" ummm it's been a long time since I have lost a tooth but if I recall it takes longer than a few days
"I'm going to brush my teeth extra good so it will hurry and fall out"
"I hope the tooth fairy brings me $1000 dollars"
"Will it fall out tomorrow?"
"Mommy's and Daddy's can only see the tooth fairy, not the kids" WHOA!! Even if I COULD see the tooth fairy I sure as hell would not look....I saw that movie Darkness Falls!! She KILLS you if you see her

I then started to think about all the random crap that most of us feed our kids....A fat man that slides down the chimney that we DON'T have and leaves all those presents (you spoiled ass kids), a RABBIT somehow makes it past the dogs to bring you those baskets...and he thinks he is crafty because he hides them?? The WINE fairy brings mommy all those bottles while she sleeps?? Oh, that is just at my house?

I know I believed all of this stuff too and looking back on it I have to laugh. Kids are so trusting of their parents that they will pretty much believe anything we tell them! I'm wondering how I can work this to my advantage. The looser this tooth gets I just may just start up with a new story about the tooth fairy. How she brings really good stuff to boys and girls who help mommy mop floors and run the vacuum. hmmmmm

Are you on Facebook?

Pocket Edward is. I cant link it from here (stupid firewalls) but if you do a search on "Pocket Edward" you will find him. I was tired of him always wanting to be on MY page so I gave in an allowed him to have his own. Kristina P I almost sent you a friend request....just because I could.

Friend away. He loves meeting new people

They're Baaaaaaaaaaack

And by THEY I mean those bastard geese. And this time they brought friends. A plethora of them. Though I think the correct term just might be gaggle

There are no less than one meeeelion geese outside of my office right now. Truly. It may only look like about 50 but I know that they are just all balled together in effort to make it look like less. They know that I know that they are on to me and are going into stealth mode to plot this year's attack

They sit their fat asses out there on our frozen pond and plot. Yes I know it LOOKS like they are sleeping but I am not stupid, I know a nap when I see one and those missionaries of the devil geese are not sleeping. They are waiting. Waiting on just the right moment where I am distracted enough for them to make their move. And because there are so many of them it will be a sniper attack that comes from within the goose pile and I will never know what hit me. I will go down in a pile of feathers and fake Prada bag cussing up a storm

So far this year they are winning. I wont give up though. I wont go down without a fight. This just may be the year that I run one over in the parking lot. Goose Lovin security guard be dammed. I would like to see what HE would do in the face of evil. I'm sure it would not be to "protect those endangered birds"

This is just ONE little section of TWO ponds where I work that is covered with them

Endangered my ass

How I spent $100 before 9AM

Today was one of those mornings that needs a lot of Zanax coffee to stomach. It started out not so bad....Actually left the house on time which is always a bonus and headed out to drop Pierce off at school

My gas light came on about 5 minutes later...yes I AM that person who waits till the last minute to get gas. Joe loves it. Get to Giant Eagle (local grocery store) get SUPER excited to have $1.80 off per gallon and filled up for $15.

Get in the car. Start it up. Oh wait...no I did NOT start it up because it would not turn over. Awesome. This happened a few weeks ago when Joe was driving it and it had to be jumped to start it. So I call my knight in shining armour to ruin his day.

He had just pulled on base (about 35 minutes away) and was thrilled to have to leave, turn around at rush hour time and come to my rescue. Meanwhile....Pierce is THRILLED. He thinks it is SUPER cool to be stuck in the car instead of going to school. He had his crack pipe DS with him and was all set. We went inside the grocery store where it was warm and I proceeded to make Pierce's day even MORE awesome by informing him he was having a donut and some grape juice in the store for breakfast.

Joe gets to me....drives us back over to my car and makes everything all better by jumping my car. Oh wait....that is not what happened because it STILL would not start. He finally got it to a point where we could drive it up the street to the battery place and at the tune of $100 I am all set.

While the battery is being replaced Pierce is STILL talking about how awesome it is to be late for school, and then tells me maybe he could make a jet pack and just shoot himself there. He talked so flipping much that I finally called my mom so he could chew HER ear off for awhile while I waited on my coffee to kick in.

now I have a headache.

Texas Weekend Recap

I am sitting at my desk trying not to fall asleep. I have consumed much caffeine today in an effort to stay awake. I had another awesome weekend with my girlfriends....another one of those weekends where it takes me most of the week to recover from the lack of sleep and over consumption of alcohol

Kelly and I got to Texas Friday night and were picked up by the rest of the girls. We headed to a fanfreakingtastic Mexican place for dinner and margaritas! Back to the hotel where we proceeded to fit 8 of us in a 2 bedroom suite. Do the math people and it equals 3 girls in one king bed, 2 in another, 2 on a pull out couch and MOI in the kitchen on a blow up mattress. I have not slept in such a random place since an incident in a parking garage in Canada.

Sat day we kept it low key.....a little shopping, a little lunch and a little nap before getting all hussied up to hit a 2 step bar. Guess what....I don't 2 step. Lauren took me for a little spin around the floor and I did not trip over myself but I certainly did not impress anyone.

Pocket Edward also had an excellent time revisiting his state of orgin. Since I was going to visit the girl who sent him to me I had to take him with yes?

Rocking his cowboy boots y'all
Even vampires look hot as cowboys

Stopping to "catch" some lunch. Not mountain lion but it will do

I know I have mention this before on this blog but I love these girls. I am so blessed to have awesome girlfriends....the ones I have had since college, the ones I have at work and "those Internet friends" My liver may disagree with these weekends though that is for sure. By the time we were done with that hotel room I swear all we were missing were a baby in the closet and a tiger in the bathroom. Bonus points if you get that reference.

I love you guys and I wish we could see each other more often. Although if we did it may have to involve a rehab facility. Or the nut house. Whatevs.

Having a small coronary this morning

I woke up this morning to an email from the website that I keep for my kids. About My Baby.Com They are closing shop. I have had this site since Pierce was 4 months old so just about 6 years. I have 6 years of photos, video and journal entries that as of Aug 1 will just be gone.

I'm not worried about the photos or videos....they are also stored elsewhere. The journal entries though.....*tear*. I know I can put them into a word doc and I may end up doing that but it will be HUGE and I wont have anything to DO with it. I know the first obvious answer is to just start keeping pics and journal entries HERE but I don't want to do that...for a few reasons. Mostly because the AMB site was always just about the kids....this is MY space. My grandparents don't need to know about or read this blog...for realz....There are other people that keep up on my kids site that probably DO know about this blog and that is fine...they just don't so much care about my girly trips or why I hate geese.

The point of this post....if you know of any other place that can host this kind of stuff...online journal type places please let me know. I could also just start up another blog totally for the kids but that is not the same as the AMB site. Blogging here is awesome but it is not always good for holding tons of pictures in one area (albums) that people can go through

off to scour the Internet for a new *home* for the kiddos

This Year I Will Gain More Weight

Yep. That's right. My New Years Resolution for 2010 is to gain more weight. I'm going to get Jerry Springer Show fat. I am not going to exercise one bit and my meals will all be fried and come with a side of cheese sauce. Expect to see me being cut out of my house on the Discovery Channel later this year.

Why such an awesome goal for this year? Why not the typical "I am going to lose weight and get in shape" goal that most of us make, and that I have made damn near every year since I graduated college?

Because I am smarter than myself. That's why. Each year I make that typical lose weight/eat better BS resolution. And each year I proceed to do the exact opposite. So since my SELF is so determined to outwit myself...you following me here? This year I'm going to fool myself into losing weight and working out by telling myself that I want to get fat(ter). Genius right? I don't know why mySELF did not come up with this years ago.

I've already started my trickery. Knowing that it is my goal to gain weight I went to the gym yesterday for a swim. Today I had a 190 calorie muffin for breakfast and got my starbucks in the non fat variety. So there self.

Who is with me here people?