Hardwood Floors+Small Dogs=Awesome

Ahhhhh, order has somewhat been restored in The House of No Sleep. Well, as much order as there ever was I suppose. The fine workers from Lowe's left my house on Wed and from there began the process of putting the house back together. And with it, my sanity

3 days without TV for my kids was like poor Tiger going 3 days without sexting with some skank. And when the kids don't have TV to entertain him....they want Joe and I to do it. I kid I kid....I really do STUFF with them...I just love me some Phineus and Ferb when I want to say take a crap without a small child on my lap, or refill my wine glass.

But I digress.

Hardwood floors laminate with tiny bark-y dogs.....WICKED FUN

Gone are the days when I have to interact with my husband and children for amusement. Now I find it in the form of a rawhide and a yorkie (I don't mess with Scarlet....she is my baby). I will spend HOURS upon HOURS of watching the yorkie slide across the floor in pursuit of whatever toy I have tossed. I feel like a need a point system....5 points if he hits a wall for example. When he goes running after the cats?? He is like poor Scooby running from a ghost....his feet are moving but it just takes him a good 10 seconds to get anywhere. It. Is. Awesome. I wish I had video to share but instead I will just show off the new floors!

you can see small bark-y dog down in the corner...little does he know the fun that will soon be had

PS--on a totally unrelated note....although I guess it does sort of have to do with DOGS....who can guess what Im buying this weekend? Who is with me?

Random Messages to Random People

My friend Kat over at Three Bedroom Bungalow has started a fun new topic for venting out to all of the people/things that are pushing your buttons. Since I tend to find venting SUPER therapeutic I figure I will play along.

Dear Joe,
You have been out of town this week and I have really missed you. Even though it IS a work trip and not a vacation you still have not had to wipe anyone's ass but your own. Incidentally...when you told me that you were stopping in Chicago to visit your buddy ON THE WAY home from ST LOUIS and spending the night I did not pay much attention to the geography of said locations. Guess what, you are busted. When you get home tomorrow I am clocking out.

Love, Your Tired Wife

Dear Yorkie,
You are over a year old now. If you do not stop crapping in the house 5 minutes after I let you inside I just may kill you. One more thing--when you eat all of the little bone pieces out of your food and leave the square pieces and whine until I fill your already full bowl up so you can pick out more little bone pieces....that gets on my nerves. You are just as bad as the kids.

Love, Mommy

Dear Cat #1,
Cleaning up your hair balls every day is getting tiresome. Kudos though for having just enough aim to throw up all over Pierce's flip flop. I'm sure that took talent

Love, Mommy

Dear Mallory,
I don't think you or your bother will EVER know how much I love you both. However, when I tuck you into bed smelling so clean from your bath, kiss you goodnight and close your door Mommy does not want to see you again until much later. Imagine how I soiled my pantieshow high I jumped last night when about an hour after I put you to bed you started screaming like someone had set your bed on fire. Oh my poor sweet princess....did your stupid ass "moon in my room" that I wish Santa never broughtprecious LUNA turn off? Like it does EVERY NIGHT? What a crisis. I know this must be horrible for you but please don't scream like that again or I will throw Luna out your window

Love, your incontinent Mommy

Dear Pierce,
Mommy's sweet boy. You are getting so big and so so smart. It appears that yesterday you learned something about weather. When you looked at me like I was the biggest idiot you knowthis morning and told me that "The sound of thunder is NOT Jesus bowling in Heaven Mommy, it is ACTUALLY the sound of 2 clouds hitting each other" I was so proud of you, and just a little sad that you are getting too smart to be lied to.

Love, Mommy

Dear Weather On My Drive in This Morning,
SUCK IT!! I don't enjoy dodging lightning bolts. I also don't enjoy seeing my kids FAH-Reak out like we are going to die any second (although I did kind of enjoy watching Mallory try and pick her cup up with her elbows while her hands were over hear ears)Please move on by tomorrow....I have a outdoor appointment with a photographer for the kids tomorrow and I don't want to cancel it.

Cammie

Someone piss in your Wheaties this morning? Want to play along? Go visit Kat and LINK UP!!

Good morning class. Today we are going to talk about poop.

I am going to focus on 3 "beings" that live in my house where this topic is concerned but before I do that......

THIS is Pierce. I feel like he does not get enough attention on this blog and it is not because I like his sister more then him but more because the kid is mostly so laid back that all he does is color and there is no way to make fun of that. True, he is the kid who respects sleep the least and gets up at dark o clock every day but other then that I've got nothing on him these days...I'm sure his time will come.

Now, back to poop. First up on my list of course is Mallory. Poor thing is such an easy target. Unless you are new to the House of No Sleep you know that I am in the throes of potty training hell. This is more a funny story then a complaint....I have tried everything to get this kid to poop on the potty. Yet every night she would continue to call me into her room 5 minutes after putting her to bed in a diaper because she has pooped in it. You see that little Disney widget up there in the corner.....this kid LIVES for Mickey Mouse. Last weekend I tell her....."we are NOT going to Mickey's house until you poop in the potty" Her response...."I don't want to go to Mickey's house, I want to stay home"

Fast forward to the next day. We lay down to take a nap (yes WE...they say to sleep when your baby sleeps not my fault she is almost 3) and she tells me she has to go potty. I take her into the bathroom, put her on the potty and by what could ONLY be a total accident she poops. Man if you could see the fuss I made....dancing around like a mad woman cheering her on. She can now see that the potty will NOT eat her if she poops in it so she goes to work another one out. This is where I wish I had a recording....because in the midst of grunting (and girlfriend was really working on this one) she says "ugghhhhImGoingToMickey'sHouseurrghhhh" okay, I cannot do this justice in words but let's just say that hearing her say that in the middle of "pushing" almost made ME shit myself.

Ever since then she is a pooping machine. The only thing is.....she wants me to "hold" her while she is doing it. As in, sit on a stool (haha, stool) next to her and hold her hands while she does her business. Really? Are we are on a date here? I wont complain though, we are one step closer to being DONE with diapers which then means more money to be spent on wine.

Next up. Stitch. The 4.5lb ball of terror. He is another one in my house who refuses to potty train. yeah, he almost a year and a half old. What kind of dumb ass dog cannot get it by then? Oh yeah....mine. He IS pretty good about going to the door to go outside to pee but for some reason....he prefers to take a big old crap every day in the same spot of my living room. Now, if he is smart enough to crap in the same place INSIDE why can he not be smart enough to do it in the same place OUTSIDE. The real problem here.......on REALLY special days he prefers to clean up after himself. As in EAT it. Yum. With the SAME mouth he tries to kiss my family with. Needless to say we don't like to make out with this dog as much as we do with Scarlet.

Finally on my "shit list" is Joe. Since he does not read my blog I am free to talk about him whenever and however I choose. Today I choose to ask......."What the HELL are you doing in there?????" After 6.5 years of marriage you would think that I would have solved this mystery. Get in and get out is my motto......Joe on the other hand takes the paper and I don't see him for 20 minutes. How is this fair? Most days I cannot go to the bathroom without a 2 year old on my lap.

If he DID read this blog my word of advice to him would be......."If you want to spend that long in the bathroom, try cleaning it for me. Nothing turns me on more than when you clean"

Intervention Needed. STAT

My children need a visit with this man pronto.

Do you know who he is? This is Ken from the show "Intervention" on A&E. I loooove this show. Love watching the train wreck that ensues on each one. Don't get me wrong...I love what they do and I love when the person on the show actually recovers.....but I also love watching it. Ken is one of the guys who talks the addict into getting the help that they need.

I digress......MY kids need an intervention from the following.

Never in my life as a mommy (I'm five years into it so clearly I am an expert) did I ever think that I would have to encourage my children to step away from "the bowl" this early in their lives. Sadly though, Pierce and Mallory have a addiction to Glad Ware. They can't even be on the good stuff because we are too cheap for Tupperware. We are also WAY early into this problem because admitting that you HAVE a problem is the first step to recovery and we are no where near that.

I find their paraphernalia everywhere. In the toy room, under the coffee table in the living room, once even in the bathroom. They make no effort to hide their addiction from me. They even have become a bad influence on the Yorkie because they leave their residue in their bowl and he comes along and cashes it.

You would probably call me an enabler because most of the time I am the one who passes them the bowl. Lately they are getting brave enough to get their own bowl though.

Everything, and I mean everything must go into the bowl for consumption. It starts first thing in the morning with their poptart. It must go into a bowl, it must NOT be consumed from the package. EVER. Upon returning from school we pick up right where we left off. Their next fix....generally a cracker or fruit snack of some sort....must go into a bowl. They tend to have the munchies when we get home from daycare even though I am CERTAIN they have bowls there as well. Fruit snacks cannot be consumed from the bag and there MUST be a bowl for an apple. A whole apple mind you. Before bed we hit the bowl again. Cereal this time.....and yes, cereal DOES need to go into some sort of bowl so I generally do not make a fuss about this one. Enabler indeed.

All in all we probably go through 3 or 4 bowls each day per kid. Let me assure you, we pack these bowls good...even try to re-use them. I am not one to waste a bowl.

So please, sign us up for an intervention as soon as possible. At the rate we go through bowls in my house I fear that we may never recover. I don't know.....maybe I am just paranoid.....

Tag, Im it! Things that mad me MAD

I have been tagged by Mrs Och for a "10 Things that piss me off" meme. FUN. I enjoy complaining from time to time so this will be therapeutic

1)Winter. Yep, the whole darn season. I could not just pick one aspect of it because there are soooo many to choose from. Icy driveways, dirty slushy roads, the feeling of the inside of your nose freezing when you breath....and my favorite....big ass hunks of ice flying off of semi trucks that you never know if and when they will hit you. Yep, Winter pisses me off.

2)Dieting. I know that SOME people try and tell me that it is "not a diet, it is a lifestyle" Bite me. I hate dieting. I don't WANT a Lean Cuisine meal I want Chipolte. mmmmm, Chipolte......

3)I mentioned this in a post of mine waaaaay back at the beginning of my blog but I am bringing it up again because it really grates on my nerves. People who laugh for NO REASON AT ALL. Like they are nervous about something. I said it then and I will say it now....what are are you so nervous about? Do you have a dead body in your car?

4)Having some of my bestest friends EVER live in dumb places like Texas, New York and New Jersey. Now before you get your panties all in bunches take note....I really don't think these places are dumb at all.....I'm just bitter that I don't get to see these girls without spending money to get there. That said TOMORROW I fly out to play.....Wonder if I will have my very first "blunk" session while I am there? (blogging while drunk....get it) Wow....I just got off track....

5)When my husband answers a question I ask him with the word (if you can call it that) "eh" This gets on my nerves SO badly and he knows it. From here on out I am going to interpret "eh" to be the answer that I WANT. So if you don't want me to go shopping say "NO" not "eh" because "eh" means that I am bringing home like 8 pairs of shoes.

6)People who hurt their children. I had such a hard time with this yesterday and I don't want to get into thinking about it again but let me just say.....I hope these people get hit by the karma bus big time.......I try to "hate the sin and not the sinner" as I have been told but I want to dig the eyes out of anyone who hurts their own babies.....with a fork. I am not a violent person but this realllllllllly pushes me towards the edge of it

7)Parts of the "system" This is a new one right now because of a family member. Parts of the system that say you can't have a restraining order against someone unless there is "enough" incidences to warrant one. So what.....??? Call back after he assaults her? mmmmkay.

8)Whining. not to be excused with WINING which would be on my "list of things that make me happy" The ability of a child to stretch a one syllable word into a 5 syllable word is like nails on a chalkboard to me.

9)My Dryer. My dryer is out to get me. Not only is it notorious for eating socks as most dryers are but mine shrinks my clothes. All the time. Sometimes more then once.....the dryer shrinks them.....yep.....that is my story......damn dryer

10)Lastly....BARKING. This is a problem. I have 2 very small yappy dogs. I want to put a shock collar on them. The things they bark at include but are certainly not limited to
-cats
-kids
-toys that make noise
-anything living that has the audacity to step into our yard
-the act of standing up....yes, sometimes when I stand up to walk into another room the littlest yappy dog FLIPS OUT. Like he thinks he has to protect me from the unknown.
-each other. One cannot bark alone.

I'm not tagging because I think we could ALL use this therapy session and if you want it....you may have it!

Burn the sausage, freeze the dog and an award

Man can we fit a whole lot of chaos in 10 minutes. Last night while putting the monkeys to bed all hell broke loose in our kitchen. Joe was making dinner (spicy sausage with penne, sauteed veggies, mmmmm) and the sausage was on the stove doing whatever he does with it before he throws it in with the noodles. Yes kids, JOE was cooking dinner....this is NOT me


Anyways....I was sitting in the rocker with Mallory and the smoke alarm starts going off. I knew Joe would go running to take care of it and I was not too concerned because it tends to go off if there is even a little bit of smoke in the kitchen. Meanwhile, dogs are freaking out, and Mallory is saying "that's too scawy mommy" I hear Joe in the kitchen going WHOA. Again, not panicking because had there been an actual fire in the kitchen he would have reacted in a total different way....he has a tendency to freak out if he senses any sort of danger...not that a kitchen fire would not be a reason to freak out.....but...I digress. After the alarm stops and I get M down in her crib I go downstairs smoke is everywhere. Apparently the sausage had run out of water and was burning in the skillet...problem solved....he had opened some windows and cracked the front door just a liiiiiiite bit. Wait a minute? Where is Stitch? You know....the liiiiiiiiitle yorkie who lives here? Yeah, um. He was gone...and in my mind I see THIS.

okay, okay....so I'm kidding sort of I really do love that pain in the ass and was so upset to think of 4 pounds of puppy out there in -stupid degree weather. Joe and I run outside calling him and whistling for him and after only about 30 seconds he comes running from the side of the neighbors house, flies past us both, onto the porch and into the house. Whew. Seriously...that would have SUCKED to try and explain to the kids.

Literally....this all took place in about 10 minutes. I went inside and got myself a glass of water

and sat down to eat my burned dinner.

On an unrelated note....my new blog friend Becky gave me an award, and I'm keeping it instead of passing it on. That's how I roll!

Dont Let the Face Fool you.....This is Pure Evil

I have told you all about my dog that bites here. I figured it would only be fair to give my other dog his moment to shine. Let me introduce you to Stitch. Just like his namesake he is evil. No really....PURE EVIL.

This right here is 4 pounds of rotten. When we first saw him on the breeders website and saw that his name was Stitch we knew he was ours. At the time the kids were in love with Lilo and Stitch. We dipped into the kids college fund to pay for him (KIDDING) and brought him home with us. Something so small and sweet could certainly not rule the house right? Oh wait...I just described Mallory too.

Anyways.....fast forward just over a year. While we truly do love this dog here are a few things that make him a total pain in the ass he could work on.

After a year....he still shits in our house. He has been known to eat his own crap, you know, with the same mouth he kisses my children with. He has not yet learned that Scarlet hates him, and will always hate him, and does not WANT to play. Despite the fact that he has numerous toys, his favorite thing to chew on are the kids' toys and my books. He will take food and possibly a finger right out of your hands at the speed of light and be gone before you even realize what has happened. He eats his dog food from the bottom of the bowl up....getting it ALL over the kitchen floor...He knows when you are getting ready to put him in his "house" and runs like hell so you cant catch him. He begins complaining to get out of said house around 4am. Loudly. What may shorten his life span though is his constant mission to destroy the cats. He thinks he was put on this earth to torment them. He guards the cat door like he is on border patrol and if he even SEES a cat will dart through it to chase them back down the steps. If he suspects they are near the cat door he will fly off of the back of the couch barking like Cujo to make sure they are not thinking about coming upstairs. The only time they get out of the basement is when he is in his house.

A few endearing trademarks are what saves him....When you give him a treat, he runs around the house with it is his mouth growling like a bad ass...cracks me up. When you are telling him how rotten he is he cocks his head to the side like he is really understanding (not so much caring about) what you have to say. Every night around 8 he jumps up on Joe, gets right up in his face and makes these little growls because he wants to play. Unlike Scarlet, the kids can pet him without fear of getting bitten.

He probably could have benefited from some obedience training....hmmm....maybe his Aunt Gina who I know will be reading this will come and take him to doggy boot camp for awhile....

Happy Monday all. Sorry all you get today is a dog blog....that is all I can come up with this early in the week.