How my 4 year old got crabs

Last week at dance class Mallory got crabs.

This conversation may be less funny in say 12 years but last week it was pretty funny. Every week after dance if the girls are good they get stamps on their hands. Last week while I enjoyed 60 minutes of uninterrupted kindle time payed close attention to my little ballerina she did an excellent job.

She came running out of class with a smile on her face and announced......Mommy, I got crabs!!! Instantly another little girl proclaimed "I got crabs too!!!!" Mallory then announced as loud as could be....."We ALL got crabs in dance class"

Sure enough, on each little hand was a big old smily crab stamp. While the moms in the lobby tried not to die laughing the little girls girls just smiled away about the crabs they got in dance class.

Pickles are the New Goose

So I was assaulted by a jar of pickles yesterday. No, really. I'm still not sure how it happened but as I was leaned all the way down getting something out of the crisper drawer for the kids

I all of the sudden saw little stars and birds floating around. That shit is really true! After the fog cleared and I looked down I realized that I had just been nailed in the back of my head by a 32 oz jar of pickles It had fallen directly on my head from the top shelf. About 3 feet. Exhibit A showing the size of the jar in comparison with a bottle of vicodin

Due to my insane bawling the kids started to freak out which made my skull throb. I just wanted (for the love of all that is holy) for them to be quiet long enough for me to decide if 1) I was going to pass out, and 2) if I were bleeding from the brain. Neither seemed to be the case so I sent Joe (who was in class) a few texts about how I was just clobbered by a pickle jar. In true man form he was all, "Man that sucks" not "Hey do you need me to leave and come home" But whatever.

I managed to survive the rest of the evening with a throbbing headache like none I have ever experienced. Hindsight I probably should have NOT gone to bed but I did at least ask him to poke me a few times in the middle of the night and make sure I was not dead. I stayed home today, still feeling kind of dizzy and just off. Plus I was not quite ready to face my co workers knowing that they would all soon know that on top of geese I also apparently am on the pickles death list

I ended up going to urgent care today because the headache and "weird" feeling that I cant so much describe would not go away. I sat across from the intake girl and when she asked why I was there responded with "I was attacked by a jar of pickles" She stared. I stared. And when she realized that I was not kidding she began making notes

I underwrite health insurance. A perk of this job is getting to read all of the random shit that people tell their doctors. When you tell your Dr that your marriage is in trouble because of your addiction to hookers or that you just cant seem to shake the vaginal itching they write that shit down verbatim. Forever in my medical records it now says "hit on the head by a jar of pickles.

Diagnosis? Concussion. For realz. Treatment? Nada. There is not a thing to be done about concussions other than don't sleep more than 4 hours at a time without being pestered and don't drink. Both which I have already failed to comply with. Don't judge, the wine helps with the headache.

So adding to the list of things I hate with a raging passion (geese, sold out NKOTB cruises and Snookie) I officially add pickles. And yes I forgive you for laughing because truly....who is NOT going to laugh at a chick who gets a concussion from a pickle jar. I would.

I ♥ Faces Beach Fun Photo Challenge!

Anyone still out there, or am I lost to the blogging world forever? I do really want to make a return to the land of blogging. I have much to tell....how my love for NKOTB had me drive to and from Chicago in 24 hours.....how my still not sold house flooded while on vacation....another mommy's gone wild weekend with my besties...." That said, today I want to participate in this weeks I Heart Faces photo challenge. I wish I had the original but I cant find it darnit. I don't love the vignette but I do love the pic!

Oh how I wish I were at the beach right now!! This picture is from our 2009 vacation to Holden Beach, NC. Mallory was not a fan of the beach but so long as she stayed on the "dry sand" she was a happy girl. Please click over to I heart faces to see more awesome pics!

Selling a house.....kind of sucks

So not loving the process of selling my house. Don't get me wrong, I really REALLY want it to sell but the "showing" part of it is 76 shades of on my nerves.

This is how it works. The realtor people call me with only an hour or so of notice and ask to show. Usually this occurs while I am at work. I leave work, hence sucking up my personal time (of which I only get so many hours per year), run home, turn on all my lights, spray the house with febrize cooking smell shit to make it all home-y, turn on my super cool Wii aquarium, get my dogs and leave. People who don't have pets have it WAY easy when it comes to home selling. This is where the real fun begins. Since I have stalker tendencies and patience issues I like to circle my hood and wait until I see the people are actually IN my house. Then I place myself strategically at the bottom of my road so I can see what kind of people are looking at my house, but also so I know when they are gone and I can throw the dogs BACK inside and get back to work.

The other day it went something like this. I get home, do all of the above steps, and sit in my car with 2 dogs and wait. And wait. And wait. Usually they show up towards the beginning of their hour and are gone 10-15 minutes later. Not so much this time. As I wait I notice Pierce's DS in the car with me. SCORE. I start to play random Mario mini games.....did you know you can play poker on Super Mario Bros? THEN I notice that the old dude who's house I'm chilling out beside giving me the eyeball. Like he is nervous that the chick rocking the mini van with a poodle and a Yorkie might be a threat to the hood. I end up getting out and talking to him for a few minutes, explained my situation, and once he knew I was not casing the joint but that I OWNED the joint he was good to go. Get back in my car and the phone rings. Douche bag realtor running late, had to cancel. May as well have light a fire to my hour and a half of personal time.

Also fun was the 614-715 showing last night. Only because Mallory had not had a bath since Sunday and was starting to have a cloud ala Pig Pen from Snoopy following her around. Thankfully I have a close friend who lives by. I packed up kids and dogs and totally gave my daughter a bath at my friend's house. Speaking of the kids......they are pretty much over it too. They are tired of me making them keep their toy room spotless ALL the time, tired of me telling them not to get stuff out. The only thing they think is cool is looking for the "card" that the realtor leaves behind.

Sigh. Please send house selling vibes. The tax credit is over in like 8 days and I am running out of places to hide STUFF

D-Bag Mom Sends Adopted Kid Back To Russia

So I am sure most of you heard that some douche bag mother of the year sent her 8 year old adopted kid BACK to Russia, ALONE. Yeah, I get that she thought he was psychotic, and a danger to her family, but really? Just send him back with a note?"

So today I happen across a poll on CNN.com asking if adoptive parents should be permitted to return their kids. I was surprised that it was fairly close at something like 46% yes and 54% no. Really? I think this is total and complete crap. If I can't send my kids back to where THEY came from why should other parents be able to do so? And way to screw up international adoptions from Russia!

asshat

Have You Ever............

Tried to sell a house with 2 kids (not to mention 2 dogs and 2 cats) living in it? Yeah, well it is not easy. In fact it just plain sucks. We have so much shit STUFF. So much. So much stuff that when they are not watching I'm throwing away random happy meal toys, or small toys with pieces missing. The house is clean.....even the toy room, but the hard part is KEEPING it that way. Getting the kids to actually put their crap away when they get it out vs just leaving stuff all over the play room. Making beds every morning.....which makes me late for work! I've never really been one for making beds every morning to be honest. What is the point? We are just going to mess it up again with all that mad sex we have every single day

While I have been trying to organize and clean stuff Joe has been busting his butt doing the "manly stuff". Painting, putting in new faucets in the bathrooms (goodbye 1980's) shampooing the carpet, ect. He cusses an awful lot while doing home improvement (or putting things together that require one of those little wrench things). He is also guaranteed to say each of the following phrases...."Sonofabitch" and "This doesn't make any sense"

We have had 3 showings this first week it has been up. Today starts week 2. I'm trying very hard not to be excited about the house we want to build and where we want to build it because until we sell our house we cant do anything. I'm not one for patience. Shocker I know.

I just want it to sell and sell fast so I can go live in an apartment for 6 months with said 2 kids, 2 dogs and 2 cats. I mean who doesn't want to do THAT?

Wish us luck! Do I even have anyone left in bloggy land to WISH me luck? I know, I'm a slacker....

Horny Geese Suck

Not sure there is much else to say when you get an email from your place of employment that says the following

A goose is nesting near the pond path. There have been some reports that the goose’s mate is acting in an aggressive nature toward people walking on or near the path. Until further notice please do not walk on the pond path.

I refuse to be a victim